Over the course of the last month, I've realized that it is difficult to figure out what to say to someone who is grieving. I'll be the first to admit that I'd have no idea what to say to one of my friends if it was her husband who had passed away. How do you find words for moments like these?
I realize that people mean well, but sometimes their words come across the wrong way. I want people to feel free to express their thoughts to me without feeling like they need to walk on eggshells. However, there a few things you just shouldn't say.
Over the last few weeks, I've mentally complied a what not to say list to someone who is grieving the loss of their spouse. I'd like to share a few of them with you...
5. "So what are you going to do now/in the future?" - I was so frustrated with people who asked me this question the first week. I was still in shock...How the heck was I supposed to know what I was going to do in the future, when I couldn't even figure out how I was going to get through the day... I was okay with close friends and family members asking me and helping me sort through some immediate options, but it was awkward coming from people I didn't know very well.
4. "Are you doing okay?" I was fine with people asking "How are you doing?" because I could come up with answers without lying. However, I never knew how to respond to people who asked if I was okay. What I really wanted to say was, "Of course I'm not okay! How can I be okay? My world is falling apart..I just lost my best friend and closest companion. Would you be okay? What is your definition of okay? If you mean that I'm not curled up on the floor in a fetal position bawling my eyes out, then yes, I'm okay?"
3. "I guess it was God's Will." Several people said this to me at the funeral or via cards. While I know that God works all things together for good, I don't want to hear this particular phrase at that time. It is a good thing I know and trust God, because if I didn't, I think this statement would have completely turned me off to God and Christianity.
2. "My dad died when I was six months old ,and it was so horrible on my mother and my family." An older gentleman in our church said this to me at funeral. He then proceeded to go into more details about how difficult it was for them. While I know he was just trying to relate to me and empathize with me, his description was so discouraging. I my mind, I was screaming at him, "You're not helping!" Outwardly, I just smiled and thanked him.
1. "Oh honey, you're young. You'll find someone else." Believe it or not, one lady said this to me at the funeral. I was shocked!
2 comments:
Joy, thank you for your ministry. You are an amazing woman of God and through the toughest stages of your life you are still being able to minister to others - including myself. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts, your fears, your hurts, your tears and thank you for giving us lessons to learn from. We love you Joy and continue to be on our knees for you in prayer. Wish we could hug you right now.
Joy,
This past summer I lost my best friend suddenly and the things people said to me shocked me beyond belief. I received a card from her fiance's grandma, the word brought me some comfort so I hope they do the same for you.
Goodbye can be the saddest word,
and often it is not a word we are prepared for.
But at a time like this, words that would make a difference are few.
We are always taught that everything has a season and that though the summer must go to make room for autumn and winter, there is always a spring.
Somehow those words don't seem to be enough at a time like this.
They are meant to comfort, to console, but often leave us feeling hollow.
The real comfort comes in knowing that we've cared, that we've invested ourselves, and that we've loved.
The void is something no one can deny or fill
or talk away with words, but in grief we feel the magnitude of love.
Though your loss is heavy, realize that your love was a great blessing in the life of one . . .who heard the call to come home.
- Tim Douglas Jensen
Megan Raleigh
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