A Chocolate Bunny

Okay, so most of this week's posts have been kind of surface level. I'm not sure I really want to fill you in on what is going on below the surface, but I know I need to be open and vulnerable. If I don't, I risk just bottling up my thoughts, and I know that is not healthy for me right now.

The truth is last weekend (Easter weekend) was excruciatingly painful. I pretty much cried all weekend long, unless I was with other people. I was just hurting, lonely, and missing my best friend. It hurt so much...I didn't know anything could be so painful.

This week, I have been so busy, that I haven't let myself dwell on anything. Yes, there have been some tears everyday, but they've been short-lived. I guess it is my way of coping, since I don't think I can face the kind of pain I dealt with last weekend. I just can't go back to that emotional place again right now.

I recently received an email from someone who lost her husband a few years ago. In her email she talked about attending a grief group where she was asked to use an animal to describe herself. Her email made me start thinking about what animal I would use to describe myself right now. Finally, it came to me. I'm like a chocolate bunny. (I realize that a chocolate bunny is not a real animal, but who cares.)

As a child, every Easter I wanted one of those six inch chocolate bunnies. I'm not sure why I was fascinated with them, but I remember that I actually bought one at my Aunt Donna's store one year. I was so excited about my chocolate bunny only to bite off the ear and realize it was hollow inside. It still tasted good, but somehow I felt jipped because there was nothing inside.

That's where I am at emotionally right now. On the outside, I am somewhat holding it together as long as you don't leave me in the sun or the heat too long. However, on the inside I feel hollow, empty, and a bit numb.

I'm not sure if this analogy makes sense to anyone but me. However, it is the best way I can describe the way I've been feeling this week. Outwardly, I'm going through the motions, but inwardly I'm empty like the chocolate bunny.