Midnight Confessions

It's almost midnight on my third night home alone. I'm exhausted, but I can't quite convince myself to turn out the light and try to go to sleep. As I lounge here, a million thoughts keep rolling through my head. I have some confessions to make:

1. I ate two bowls of Mayfield ice cream yesterday.
2. I am still sleeping in the guest room, since I don't have the guts to move back to the master bedroom yet.
3. I cried today when I saw a car drive past with two kayaks on top.
4. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
5. I want to run away somewhere, but I know that there is no place I can run that reality won't follow me.
6. I'm trying to be brave and strong, but I'm scared about the future.
7. I've eaten food or leftovers from a restaurant 9 of my last 10 meals.
8. I've been surrounded by family and friends. My phone has been ringing off the hook, but I'm still lonely.
9. I like emailing and talking to Jason's mom because I know she understands.
10. I'm trying to hold things together at CP, but if I don't get help soon, it is all going to fall apart.
11. I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to keep dreaming about giving CPR.
12. I am avoiding writing Thank You notes.
13. I don't know what to do with this upcoming weekend, so I almost wish I had to work.
14. I went on mini shopping spree and bought two new pairs of pants, two shirts and a sweater.
15. I went and applied for Social Security today. Instead of feeling humiliated, I felt a sense of relief.
16. I'm not sure I want to get the autopsy report back because I'm afraid that maybe there was something else I should have done to help Jason.
17. I'm scared to be a single mom.
18. I've felt humbled and encouraged by all of the people all over the world who prayed for me this month.
19. I'm supposed to be an adult, but I feel like a little kid in way over her head.
20. Whenever I find Jason's clothes or things laying around the house, I put them back where they belong. (I keep thinking that he's going to need to find them).
21. I'm relieved that Jason was so insistent about keeping all of our paperwork neatly filed.
22. I slept in a skirt the last two nights because I'm too lazy to do laundry.
23. I've only read my Bible twice in the last month. (Partially because Jason gave it to me for Christmas).
24. I want to be a stay at home mom and just love on Abigail, but I'm afraid I'll have to put her in daycare. It breaks my heart because I want to be the one who gets to stay with her all day.
25. If Abigail and I had passports, I think I would have gone to Italy last week.
26. I had a bizarre dream about a grief support group last night.
27. I'm kind of feeling guilty that this entire post is all about me and how sorry I am feeling for myself when I know there are so many people suffering so much more than I am right now.
28. I'm avoiding a lot of stuff I just don't want to deal with yet.
29. I watched two movies last night, so I didn't have to deal with the silence.
30. I hope Abigail doesn't start crawling for a while, because I'm not ready for her to grow up.
31. It is after midnight, but I still wish someone would call me on the phone and tell me about their life and their day, so I don't have to think about mine.