Fear and Procrastination

I am currently sitting in my dad's extra large recliner sipping coffee. Abigail is snuggled up next to me peacefully sleeping. Samson is laying near my feet snoring. Outside snowflakes are lightly falling. For a split second, my world is small and safe.

Despite this seemingly cozy picture, my stomach is knotted with fear. Deep down, I know sitting here blogging is really just an act of procrastination. I should be organizing and packing. I need to get moving, but I feel paralyzed with fear.

I don't normally live in fear. Despite the craziness of the past few weeks, I can't say that I've experienced fear until I woke up this morning. (I truly think the lack of fear up to this point is directly related the the vast number of prayer warriors that I know have been on their faces before God upholding us in prayer.)

Today, I begin long trek back home to TN. I'm not scared of the long drive; I've made it many times over the past few years. I'm scared of going home. I fear how I will react when I'm alone in our big house. I fear having to return to normal life without Jason. I dread having to sort through clothes, pictures, tools, mail, bills and memories. I can't even begin to fathom how I will manage to attack the pile of Thank You Notes I know I need to write. Most of all, I don't want to crawl into bed and not be able to snuggle up next to Jason to debrief my day.

While I know I need to go home, I don't feel ready. (I doubt I'll ever be ready.)

Scriptures about fear keep popping into my head...(my paraphrases)
"Do not be afraid, for I am with you"
"So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows"
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you."
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Despite the fact that I know these verses in my head, they are currently not doing much to disperse the knot of fear in my stomach/heart. So, I continue to sit here all snuggled in the recliner procrastinating and trying to keep fear from overwhelming me...trying to summon the courage to start packing the car...trying to find the strength to begin the journey home.

Please pray that I have the strength and courage to face today and the next couple of difficult days.