The Dam is Breaking

If I ran into you around town or you called me on the phone and asked me how I am doing, I would probably tell you "I'm hanging in there." However, the truth is that after six weeks the dam is starting to break and my tears are beginning to gush out. Today, I drove to town to drop off some bills. As soon as my business was finished, I started driving aimlessly around town listening to the radio and crying my eyes out.

I'm not normally a music person, but recently I've decided that music is really the language of the soul. Currently, I can't listen to music without being moved to laughter or tears (more frequently tears). Today, everything I heard touched me, so I turned off the radio only to get frustrated by the silence and turn it back on again.

After an hour and a half of driving and crying I decided to go to a friend's house for a hug. I know I didn't have to explain my tears to her, which is good because my pain is too deep for words. she just let me cry and hug.

If you noticed that I've been a bit distant lately, it is because I don't even know how to put what I am thinking and feeling into words. I feel like half of me is missing.

Jason and I had kind of a difficult first year of marriage. We deeply loved each other, but it took the two of us a while to learn to communicate and understand each other. We both said that we never realized how stubborn and selfish we were until we got married. However, that first difficult year helped us to learn about each other and understand each other needs and thoughts. I definitely attribute much of our happy marriage to God and the difficult lessons He taught us that first year.

Now, almost five years latter, I know Jason so intimately. I know what he would think and say about almost everything. It makes it difficult for me to do simple everyday tasks like grocery shopping or driving around town. I find myself picking out food and things that Jason would choose. I also find myself shaking my head at things that would irk him or make him laugh. Today, without thinking I ordered myself a large Mocha with 1/2 chocolate and 1/2 raspberry. (That's Jason's froufrou coffee drink of choice.)

Jason had an efficient method for almost everything. When we first got married it sometimes drove me nuts. I'm a bit impulsive and messy, but Jason was always logical and efficient. However, almost without noticing I've adapted many of his methods. It is not as is I ceased to be my own independent person when we got married. However, in a very real sense, the two us became one. Now half of me is missing, and I crying for the missing half.