A Chocolate Bunny

Okay, so most of this week's posts have been kind of surface level. I'm not sure I really want to fill you in on what is going on below the surface, but I know I need to be open and vulnerable. If I don't, I risk just bottling up my thoughts, and I know that is not healthy for me right now.

The truth is last weekend (Easter weekend) was excruciatingly painful. I pretty much cried all weekend long, unless I was with other people. I was just hurting, lonely, and missing my best friend. It hurt so much...I didn't know anything could be so painful.

This week, I have been so busy, that I haven't let myself dwell on anything. Yes, there have been some tears everyday, but they've been short-lived. I guess it is my way of coping, since I don't think I can face the kind of pain I dealt with last weekend. I just can't go back to that emotional place again right now.

I recently received an email from someone who lost her husband a few years ago. In her email she talked about attending a grief group where she was asked to use an animal to describe herself. Her email made me start thinking about what animal I would use to describe myself right now. Finally, it came to me. I'm like a chocolate bunny. (I realize that a chocolate bunny is not a real animal, but who cares.)

As a child, every Easter I wanted one of those six inch chocolate bunnies. I'm not sure why I was fascinated with them, but I remember that I actually bought one at my Aunt Donna's store one year. I was so excited about my chocolate bunny only to bite off the ear and realize it was hollow inside. It still tasted good, but somehow I felt jipped because there was nothing inside.

That's where I am at emotionally right now. On the outside, I am somewhat holding it together as long as you don't leave me in the sun or the heat too long. However, on the inside I feel hollow, empty, and a bit numb.

I'm not sure if this analogy makes sense to anyone but me. However, it is the best way I can describe the way I've been feeling this week. Outwardly, I'm going through the motions, but inwardly I'm empty like the chocolate bunny.

Sweet Sailor

A Busy Week (Just the Facts)

Well, I know that several of you out there are reading my blog because some of you are starting to check on me and see if I am okay since I haven't written all week. I am still here, and I'm hanging in there. It has been a really busy week for me. I worked all week, and I did something every evening.

Monday- I went and visited my insurance agent and made changes to all my insurance policies. I also invested in life insurance, so if anything happens to me, there will be money to take care of Abigail. Now, I just have seen about a will. (Yuck...I not a big fan of all of this adult stuff.)

Tuesday- I took a Zumba class, and didn't get home until late. (More about Zumba later.)

Wednesday- I went to dinner at church. Then I noticed that Abigail felt a bit warm. When I got home, I took her temp and discovered that she had a slight fever. About bedtime, she was fussy and restless, so I let her sleep in bed with me. She slept pretty fitfully, so I was up a lot of the night. About 3:00am I noticed she was extremely warm, so I took her temp again. She had a fever of 102, which is high for such a little one. I didn't have any baby Tylenol, since she has never been sick before. So about 3:30 am Abigail and I made a trip to Wal-mart. I'm sure the clerk thought I was crazy for dragging my baby out at such an hour. After getting Tylenol & dog food (Samson had fasted the two previous days), we came home. We were able to catch a couple hours of sleep, but morning definitely came too early.

Thursday- I met a friend for lunch & had another Zumba class after work. Abigail was still running a bit of a fever.

Friday- Abigail's fever finally seemed to disappear. Although, she still has a bit of a stuffy nose. After the funeral, a couple of my friends arranged for me to have a massage. I finally got it arranged for Friday evening. It was exactly what the Doctor ordered! (I have to say, that I love being pampered!) I also had a late dinner and chat with the Velkers, and I fell into bed about 10:00.

Saturday- Another rainy weekend...yuck. I'm ready for some fresh air. After a morning of running errands, I settled in to a task I've been putting off. I wrote about 40 thank you notes, and I'm finally about halfway through my list.

So that was my week in an nutshell. I know that it wasn't too crazy compared to some people, but I'm not used to so much busyness. The only good part was that I too busy to dwell on my loneliness and pain.

Zumba

My friend Deborah convinced me to join her on Tuesdays and Thursdays for a Zumba class. For those of you not familiar with the term Zumba, here's my best definition.

The word Zumba comes from a Colombian word that means to move fast and have fun. It is actually a fitness program that combines dance steps and exercises to help tone the body. While Zumba was actually inspired by Latin music, our teacher combines Latin, African tribal, and hip hop music into a crazy and fun workout.

If Jason knew I was taking this class he would laugh his head off. I am one of the world's klutziest and most uncoordinated people. Whenever the two of us a tried to dance is was a disaster. Two totally clueless dancers both trying to lead...ridiculous! He would laugh at the fact that I am actually trying to do dance steps to get exercise.

Anyway, despite my two left feet, I am enjoying the fun, crazy workout. Plus, it gives me some exercise and gets me out of the house, so for the next couple of weeks I am going to Zumba away!

Nightmares

Abigail is usually a great sleeper. However, tonight she has had three nightmare episodes, and it is not quite midnight. She is sound asleep, but she will start screaming and flailing. I have to wake her up and calm her down. During this last episode, nursing was the only way I could get her to calm down. She has gone through this before, and it usually happens about the time she has a big growth spurt. I'm familiar enough with her nightmares, that it doesn't freak me out anymore. However, I just feel so bad for the poor little thing. I wonder what is going through her little mind that is scaring her so much. I wish there was some way I could fix it for her, but there is really nothing I can do except pray, comfort her and wait for it to pass.

A few months ago, Abigail went through a stage like this for about three days. During that time, Jason took her in his arms and prayed aloud for her and things that were going through her little mind. It always melted my heart. I miss him, so much. I wish he was here to hold us and pray with us. In his absence, perhaps you can join me in prayer for Abigail's little mind and sweet sleep.

Choosing an Easter Egg

Easter Morning

A Song

Here's a song I heard on the radio today that resonated with me. I think the video is a bit cheesy, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

Passover Sader

With everything that has been going in the last couple of months, Easter kind of snuck up on me this year. During the Easter season this year, Jason and I had big plans to introduce our church to some prayer stations that parallel the events of Jesus last week on prior to His crucifixion. Without Jason, I didn't feel up to taking on the project, so I guess I've kind of avoiding thinking about Easter.

Anyway, in preparation for Easter this year, our church planned a Sader, which is a traditional Jewish Passover meal. I haven't been to a Sader meal in probably 15 years, so I was excited to attend tonight. Being a total history and culture geek, I loved the meal and learning about significance and origin of the elements of the Jewish Passover Meal. The church did an excellent job of hosting and explaining the meal. (Plus, it helped get me out of my funk for a couple of hours.)

The Dam is Breaking

If I ran into you around town or you called me on the phone and asked me how I am doing, I would probably tell you "I'm hanging in there." However, the truth is that after six weeks the dam is starting to break and my tears are beginning to gush out. Today, I drove to town to drop off some bills. As soon as my business was finished, I started driving aimlessly around town listening to the radio and crying my eyes out.

I'm not normally a music person, but recently I've decided that music is really the language of the soul. Currently, I can't listen to music without being moved to laughter or tears (more frequently tears). Today, everything I heard touched me, so I turned off the radio only to get frustrated by the silence and turn it back on again.

After an hour and a half of driving and crying I decided to go to a friend's house for a hug. I know I didn't have to explain my tears to her, which is good because my pain is too deep for words. she just let me cry and hug.

If you noticed that I've been a bit distant lately, it is because I don't even know how to put what I am thinking and feeling into words. I feel like half of me is missing.

Jason and I had kind of a difficult first year of marriage. We deeply loved each other, but it took the two of us a while to learn to communicate and understand each other. We both said that we never realized how stubborn and selfish we were until we got married. However, that first difficult year helped us to learn about each other and understand each other needs and thoughts. I definitely attribute much of our happy marriage to God and the difficult lessons He taught us that first year.

Now, almost five years latter, I know Jason so intimately. I know what he would think and say about almost everything. It makes it difficult for me to do simple everyday tasks like grocery shopping or driving around town. I find myself picking out food and things that Jason would choose. I also find myself shaking my head at things that would irk him or make him laugh. Today, without thinking I ordered myself a large Mocha with 1/2 chocolate and 1/2 raspberry. (That's Jason's froufrou coffee drink of choice.)

Jason had an efficient method for almost everything. When we first got married it sometimes drove me nuts. I'm a bit impulsive and messy, but Jason was always logical and efficient. However, almost without noticing I've adapted many of his methods. It is not as is I ceased to be my own independent person when we got married. However, in a very real sense, the two us became one. Now half of me is missing, and I crying for the missing half.

Wandering Wal-mart

Tonight I was really missing Jason, so I left the house. Since Crossvegas does not exactly offer a plethora of evening activities, I decided to hang out at the most happening place in town...Wal-Mart. I figured that Wal-Mart on a Friday night would offer me a enough distraction and entertainment. Instead of taking my mind off Jason, everything is reminded me of him. I was wandering aimlessly around the store putting odd combinations of items in my buggie (or shopping cart for all of you non-Southerners). I'm sure I looked like a complete freak carrying Abigail in a sling with tears streaming down my face trying out baby toys. If that is not weird enough, my cart was filled with completely random things like tennis shoes, oil, baby socks, yogurt, a movie, oranges, sunglasses, a tooth brush, tomato juice, stationary, African tribal music, dog bones and a pair of pants.

People who have gone through intense grief before tell me the days get harder before they get easier. When will it start getting easier? I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I miss him so much it's gut-wrenching. I can't even fathom hurting more.

Sitting and Smiling

Okay...I know I post of a lot of pictures of Abigail, but I just couldn't resist showing off this one. Abigail is now able to sit up by herself for several minutes at a time, and I'm a proud mommy.

What Not To Say

Over the course of the last month, I've realized that it is difficult to figure out what to say to someone who is grieving. I'll be the first to admit that I'd have no idea what to say to one of my friends if it was her husband who had passed away. How do you find words for moments like these?

I realize that people mean well, but sometimes their words come across the wrong way. I want people to feel free to express their thoughts to me without feeling like they need to walk on eggshells. However, there a few things you just shouldn't say.

Over the last few weeks, I've mentally complied a what not to say list to someone who is grieving the loss of their spouse. I'd like to share a few of them with you...

5. "So what are you going to do now/in the future?" - I was so frustrated with people who asked me this question the first week. I was still in shock...How the heck was I supposed to know what I was going to do in the future, when I couldn't even figure out how I was going to get through the day... I was okay with close friends and family members asking me and helping me sort through some immediate options, but it was awkward coming from people I didn't know very well.

4. "Are you doing okay?" I was fine with people asking "How are you doing?" because I could come up with answers without lying. However, I never knew how to respond to people who asked if I was okay. What I really wanted to say was, "Of course I'm not okay! How can I be okay? My world is falling apart..I just lost my best friend and closest companion. Would you be okay? What is your definition of okay? If you mean that I'm not curled up on the floor in a fetal position bawling my eyes out, then yes, I'm okay?"

3. "I guess it was God's Will." Several people said this to me at the funeral or via cards. While I know that God works all things together for good, I don't want to hear this particular phrase at that time. It is a good thing I know and trust God, because if I didn't, I think this statement would have completely turned me off to God and Christianity.

2. "My dad died when I was six months old ,and it was so horrible on my mother and my family." An older gentleman in our church said this to me at funeral. He then proceeded to go into more details about how difficult it was for them. While I know he was just trying to relate to me and empathize with me, his description was so discouraging. I my mind, I was screaming at him, "You're not helping!" Outwardly, I just smiled and thanked him.

1. "Oh honey, you're young. You'll find someone else." Believe it or not, one lady said this to me at the funeral. I was shocked!

My Poor Plants

Last night, I was catching up with my sister-in-law on the phone, and she asked about the plants that I mentioned in my blog entitled "My Black Thumb." Truthfully, I don't think the plants I kept are going to make it. Despite my best effort and a good dose of Miracle Grow, I think I will need to put the poor plants out of their misery soon....Sad day!

Big Abigail, Little Abigail

Saturday night, I went to a friend's house for dinner. My friend's daughter is also named Abigail, and she has a special bond with Baby Abigail. While we were waiting for dinner, I let Big Abigail feed Little Abigail. Here's a picture. I think it is so cute because they both look so serious.

Autopsy Report

Saturday afternoon, I got a copy of the final autopsy report in the mail. I have been in a funk ever since. The results were kind of what I expected, so I don't know why I'm so upset by it. I should be relieved to have an answer, but I think maybe it made everything feel so final. (He's not coming back.)

Basically the report said, (in non-medical terms) Jason died of a heart attack due to clogged arteries.

You can pray that I can manage to stop the "what if/guilt" scenarios that keep playing over and over in my head. I know that there really wasn't anything I could have done, but that doesn't stop me from questioning.

They say this guilt complex is a common part of the grieving process. Let me tell you...it sucks! I hope you never have to go through it.

Laughter and Tears

When I woke up this morning, it was pouring rain, so Abigail and I had a lazy morning. We lounged around in our pajamas until almost noon and played on the floor in Abigail's room. While we were playing, I broke down and started sobbing. For some reason the sound of my sobbing made Abigail laugh. The more I cried, the more she laughed. Her giggles made me quit crying and start laughing too.

Ringtones

The other day I got a new cell phone. I was going to change my ringer only to realize that my phone only came with 5 preprogrammed ringer options. After becoming frustrated about getting less stuff for more money, I decided to explore the ringtone option. As I was exploring, I came across a Lifehouse song that I've never heard before. These lyrics resonated with way I have been feeling lately.

Broken

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm barely holding on to you)

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holding on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating in the pain
There is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on

Barely holding on to you (I'm still holding on)
Barely holding on to you

(In case you are wondering, I gave up looking for ringtones, and settled for a the standard ringer. Let me know if you have any ringtone suggestions.)

Midnight Confessions

It's almost midnight on my third night home alone. I'm exhausted, but I can't quite convince myself to turn out the light and try to go to sleep. As I lounge here, a million thoughts keep rolling through my head. I have some confessions to make:

1. I ate two bowls of Mayfield ice cream yesterday.
2. I am still sleeping in the guest room, since I don't have the guts to move back to the master bedroom yet.
3. I cried today when I saw a car drive past with two kayaks on top.
4. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
5. I want to run away somewhere, but I know that there is no place I can run that reality won't follow me.
6. I'm trying to be brave and strong, but I'm scared about the future.
7. I've eaten food or leftovers from a restaurant 9 of my last 10 meals.
8. I've been surrounded by family and friends. My phone has been ringing off the hook, but I'm still lonely.
9. I like emailing and talking to Jason's mom because I know she understands.
10. I'm trying to hold things together at CP, but if I don't get help soon, it is all going to fall apart.
11. I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to keep dreaming about giving CPR.
12. I am avoiding writing Thank You notes.
13. I don't know what to do with this upcoming weekend, so I almost wish I had to work.
14. I went on mini shopping spree and bought two new pairs of pants, two shirts and a sweater.
15. I went and applied for Social Security today. Instead of feeling humiliated, I felt a sense of relief.
16. I'm not sure I want to get the autopsy report back because I'm afraid that maybe there was something else I should have done to help Jason.
17. I'm scared to be a single mom.
18. I've felt humbled and encouraged by all of the people all over the world who prayed for me this month.
19. I'm supposed to be an adult, but I feel like a little kid in way over her head.
20. Whenever I find Jason's clothes or things laying around the house, I put them back where they belong. (I keep thinking that he's going to need to find them).
21. I'm relieved that Jason was so insistent about keeping all of our paperwork neatly filed.
22. I slept in a skirt the last two nights because I'm too lazy to do laundry.
23. I've only read my Bible twice in the last month. (Partially because Jason gave it to me for Christmas).
24. I want to be a stay at home mom and just love on Abigail, but I'm afraid I'll have to put her in daycare. It breaks my heart because I want to be the one who gets to stay with her all day.
25. If Abigail and I had passports, I think I would have gone to Italy last week.
26. I had a bizarre dream about a grief support group last night.
27. I'm kind of feeling guilty that this entire post is all about me and how sorry I am feeling for myself when I know there are so many people suffering so much more than I am right now.
28. I'm avoiding a lot of stuff I just don't want to deal with yet.
29. I watched two movies last night, so I didn't have to deal with the silence.
30. I hope Abigail doesn't start crawling for a while, because I'm not ready for her to grow up.
31. It is after midnight, but I still wish someone would call me on the phone and tell me about their life and their day, so I don't have to think about mine.

Morning Snuggle

Last night was my first night home alone (with Samson and Abigail). It was tough but not horrible, mostly due to great friends who brought me dinner and others who talked to me on the phone until midnight. This morning, Jason wasn't around for our morning routine, so I took the extra time to snuggle Abigail. Here's a picture of her after I snuggled her back to sleep.

My Black Thumb

Have you ever noticed that people give plants at funerals? I’m not sure exactly why people choose to give plants. I guess plants are supposed remind the grieving that life goes on or that growth can occur even after such sadness. Perhaps, it is to serve as a living reminder of the dead loved one. Whatever the reason, I ended up with several plants.

After the funeral, I looked at the number of plants I had received and laughed. If Jason were alive, I know he would be laughing too. I am infamous for my black thumb (the opposite of a green thumb).

The spring after we got married, I decided that I wanted to plant some flowers and a tomato plant. Since we lived in a little duplex, all of our plants had to be in a planter or a pot. Jason humored me by letting me go all out and buy a bunch of flowers and pots. He even bought me a plant stand for my planter. I was so proud of my flowers. Two days later, a freak late frost killed them all. Jason laughed and told me to buy another round of less expensive varieties. I waited a week before I planted them. Unfortunately, I planted them just before summer staff training. During training, Jason and I lived out at camp for three weeks, so my poor plants did not receive any TLC or water. They were almost dead when we returned home. I tried to revive them, but Samson knocked over the planter one day when I was a work, and I came home to plants and dirt everywhere. I managed to salvage a few, but some including the tomato plan just didn’t make it. I replaced the tomato plant and a few of the flowers. Throughout our busy summer, my poor flowers, barely survived. The tomato plant had stunted growth. It managed to sprout two small tomatoes, but they turned black and fell off the vine before they ripened. I was proud that a couple of flowers survived my neglect and managed to make it to August. Later I learned, that the only reason they survived was because our neighbor lady felt sorry for them and she would sneak over to water them while we were gone. After that disaster summer of flowers, Jason managed to convince me not to buy any more flowers.

So…back to the funeral plants. I decided that not all of the plants should suffer my neglect. I sent several home with my mom for safe keeping. (After all she still has a plant from my Grandfather’s funeral 15 years ago). I gave one to a friend to replant for me. I kept the other two. When I was out of town, I asked some friends to water them for me. While I was gone, my plants accidentally got left outside overnight. I returned home to find them in rough shape. I’m not sure they’re going to make it.

It is a really good thing that I know that Jason would laugh to know my poor plants might not make it. He would have expected it. At least this way I can think of Jason and laugh if they die instead of cry these plants that were supposed to be a living reminder of Jason didn’t make it more than a month or two.

Spoiled

Abigail is spoiled. She’s had a month of constant activity and numerous people to pay attention to her. Not to mention the fact that for the past couple of weeks, she’s been drifting off to sleep in Grandma or Grandpa’s arms as they rock her into her afternoon nap.

Today was our first day back in the office and back to our normal routine. The morning hours flew by as I tried to get the office in some semblance of order and catch up on mail and phone calls. The afternoon was a different story all together. Life was good until it was time for Abigail’s afternoon nap. When I put her down for her nap, she pulled out her ear-piercing “I’m mad” scream, and wouldn’t stop screaming and crying for a half an hour. I only picked her up briefly to help her calm down a little bit, so she could drift off to sleep. Not working…

She’s spoiled that’s all there is to it. I told her she was spoiled and she was to have to get it together and get back into our routine (like she understood a word I said.) Then I let her cry. As I watched her cry, I sat down on the floor next to her and started sobbing right along with her. It realized that I too am spoiled.

Jason liked to spoil me. He took care of all of the stuff I didn’t want to do. He managed our money, paid the bills, fixed the cars, dealt with insurance, took care of computer problems, researched our big purchases, did the taxes, planned the house remodeling projects and much more. He also helped me with daily task like cooking, cleaning, and changing diapers. Not mention the fact that he brought me flowers about once a month, and he always went crazy buying gifts for me on the holidays. He made sure I was taking care of myself by going out with the girls on a regular basis. He fixed me bubble baths, complete with candles, music, something to drink, a bath pillow and a warm bath robe.

I’m spoiled that’s all there is to it. I’m going to have to get over being spoiled, and start dealing with the things I don’t like. I’m going to have to begin new routines, and start being thankful for all the things I used to take for granted. I don’t want to…I’d rather be spoiled and cry like Abigail until someone picks me up and rocks me to sleep.

Eventually, Abigail cried herself to sleep, and I made myself get up and go back to work. I’m sure there will be more tears, before we both get over being spoiled.

The Toughest Day So Far

I think today has probably been one of the toughest days of my life. I don't have time to share all the details because I need to meet some friends for dinner. However, I thought I would share a picture that brightened my day.

Baby Dedication

The church we attend supposedly practices infant dedication. For those of you not familiar with the practice, an infant dedication is a ceremony where the parents of a baby or young child stand before the church body to commit to teach their child about Christ and agree to raise him or her in the ways of the Lord. The members of the church body agree to support the parents and help instruct the child. I think it is a powerful ceremony because it calls to the parents and the church body to accountability and gives a sense of family within the body of Christ.

A couple of months, ago Jason and I were having dinner with the pastor’s family. We commented on the fact that in the four years that we’ve attended our church, we didn’t recall ever seeing a ceremony. When we asked about the lack of infant dedication services, the pastor responded that they were waiting until all of the expected babies in the church were born. The comment made us laugh because our church is large enough that if we wait for all the babies to be born, we’ll never have a baby dedication service.

Low and behold a week or two after our conversation with the pastor, an announcement appeared in the church bulletin. The church was having a baby dedication on March 9th, and any family that wanted to participant in the service should sign up in the church office. Of course Jason and I signed up right way, especially because we felt like we helped instigate the service.

March 9th is tomorrow. I can’t even think about the baby dedication service without crying. (As you can probably imagine, I am sobbing as I type this blog.) I know I have to participate, but I don’t know where I am going to find the courage and strength to stand in front of the church body and not breakdown. Baby dedications are supposed to be a happy ceremony, and I think at least six other families are participating. I don’t want to ruin the joy of the ceremony for the other families involved.

I don’t want to stand before the congregation alone to dedicate Abigail. Several people have offered to stand with me, but I don’t feel right about that either. Abigail is my daughter, and I have to take the parental responsibility for her spiritual upbringing. It is my duty and privilege.

Right now, I am feeling weight of being a single mom. Please keep me in your prayers this Sunday morning.

Home Again

After a day and a half on the road, we (my dad, Abigail, Samson and I) made it home safe and sound on Thursday evening. I expected to come home an empty house. However, as we pulled up there were a couple of cars in the drive and the lights were on. We walked into the house to smell of dinner in the oven. My dear friends Dennis and Lee awaited us with hugs.

While I was gone, I left them a key, so they could water the plants. Before I left for Iowa, they asked me if they could help me out by hanging the pocket doors for me while I was out of town. After nine months without bathroom or bedroom doors, of course I agreed.

However, when I walked in the house on Thurs evening, I was amazed. Not only had they hung the doors but they also had gone all out. They hung the crown molding, baseboard, put a railing on the stairs, and finished tons of trim and odds and ends that Jason and I hadn’t gotten around to yet. In essence, they finished the entire house except for touch up paint and the fireplace room. I could not believe how much they accomplished in a week.

Not only did they do all the work, they did it the way Jason would have wanted it completed. For those of you who know Jason, you know that he is particular to say the least. He wanted to make everything as perfect as possible. I can’t tell you how many hours we spent perfecting details that no one else is ever going to notice.

After taking a tour of their work, I profusely thanked Dennis and Lee. After everyone left and I was alone, the tears came. First, they were tears of thankfulness and gratefulness. It was so incredibly kind of my friends (and my family, who knew what was going on) to take care of so many things, so that I didn’t have to even think about them. Later, tears of pain and disappointment came. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were supposed to finish these details together. Jason and I had such plans and dreams for this house. We worked so hard for three years, and now he will not be next to me when the last detail is completed and the house is finished.

While it was wonderful to walk into a mostly completed house, I would rather have walked into a messy house without bathroom doors to find Jason waiting for me.

Halfway Home

Okay...so I'm not exactly halfway home, but I'm close. I'm holed up in a hotel just outside of Kansas City. The rest of my entourage is snoring away (i.e. Dad, Abigail, and Samson). We got off to a slow start this morning. My car wasn't finished at the shop until noon. When we went to pick it up, we discovered that the roads were icy due to blowing snow. Then we spent about an hour trying to decide if we wanted to risk bad roads or wait another day. We decided to start out and see how far we could get. After only about 10 miles of bad roads, the snow cleared up and the rest of the trip was smooth sailing as far as the road conditions were concerned.

We arrived in KC around 9:00pm and checked into the hotel that Jay and I always stay at. I probably would have tried to find another hotel, but it is extremely difficult to find hotels that take 100 lb Chocolate Labs...even if they are as cute and lovable as the Samson Dog.

It's difficult to be here without Jason. When we stay here we always get Chipotle Burritos and stay up until the wee hours of the morning watching Dirty Jobs and Law & Order reruns since we don't have cable at home. Sitting here typing in the dark is just not quite the same.

Fear and Procrastination

I am currently sitting in my dad's extra large recliner sipping coffee. Abigail is snuggled up next to me peacefully sleeping. Samson is laying near my feet snoring. Outside snowflakes are lightly falling. For a split second, my world is small and safe.

Despite this seemingly cozy picture, my stomach is knotted with fear. Deep down, I know sitting here blogging is really just an act of procrastination. I should be organizing and packing. I need to get moving, but I feel paralyzed with fear.

I don't normally live in fear. Despite the craziness of the past few weeks, I can't say that I've experienced fear until I woke up this morning. (I truly think the lack of fear up to this point is directly related the the vast number of prayer warriors that I know have been on their faces before God upholding us in prayer.)

Today, I begin long trek back home to TN. I'm not scared of the long drive; I've made it many times over the past few years. I'm scared of going home. I fear how I will react when I'm alone in our big house. I fear having to return to normal life without Jason. I dread having to sort through clothes, pictures, tools, mail, bills and memories. I can't even begin to fathom how I will manage to attack the pile of Thank You Notes I know I need to write. Most of all, I don't want to crawl into bed and not be able to snuggle up next to Jason to debrief my day.

While I know I need to go home, I don't feel ready. (I doubt I'll ever be ready.)

Scriptures about fear keep popping into my head...(my paraphrases)
"Do not be afraid, for I am with you"
"So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows"
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you."
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Despite the fact that I know these verses in my head, they are currently not doing much to disperse the knot of fear in my stomach/heart. So, I continue to sit here all snuggled in the recliner procrastinating and trying to keep fear from overwhelming me...trying to summon the courage to start packing the car...trying to find the strength to begin the journey home.

Please pray that I have the strength and courage to face today and the next couple of difficult days.

A Million Bucks

There is just something about a baby's smile...My world is falling apart, yet somewhere in the midst of everything, I see Abigail's sweet smiling face. I can't help but smile back. Some of my friends and family recently told me that they think Abigail is the world's most smiley baby. She usually wakes up with a grin and a giggle. Diaper changes are a non-stop smile fest. A half the time, it looks like she is smiling in her sleep. Abigail's smiles make me feel like a million bucks and the best mommy in the world (even though I have no clue what I am doing). If she's so happy to see me, I must be doing something right. Her smiles help me get out of bed and face the world each morning. They have truly been a gift from God these past few weeks.

Where I am and where I'm going

Since Jason’s funeral, I really haven’t let very many people know what I’ve been up to. The last couple of weeks I’ve checked my email and facebook messages on a regular basis. I love getting notes and messages, but I'm kind of at a stage right now where I haven't felt up to responding because don't know what to say. Plus, I kind of feel like my tear ducts are somehow connected to typing, and I don't want my laptop keyboard to end up waterlogged.

The week after the funeral, my sister stayed with me. We spent most of the week in and out of the office trying to get caught up, pay bills, and get everything in a place where I could leave it for a few weeks. A week later my sister needed to fly back to Korea from Omaha, so I ended up deciding to drive her to Omaha, so she could fly back to Korea without having to change her plane tickets. I spent about a week with my brother and nieces in Omaha, before making my way to my parent’s farm.

I am planning on returning to Tennessee either tomorrow or Thursday, depending on when my car is finished at the shop. My dad is planning on riding back with me and helping me make a plan to finish our house renovations. He will then fly home, but he is trying to bring a crew of people to TN to work on the house around Easter.

My longer-term plans include, taking one day at a time. I should to be back at work at CP on Monday. I told the Board of Directors that I plan to continue working at CP through the summer season, and I will reevaluate in the fall. While I am not quite sure how I will get through a summer with a baby and without Jason, I feel peace about staying on for the season. I’m not sure what is next for us, but at least I have some time to make some decisions.

Personally, I am doing as well as can be expected I guess. Currently, I think I am still in a state of shock and denial. Reality hits me in waves, but I have been trying to cope by keeping busy and surrounding myself with family and friends. Each day, seems to be getting harder instead of easier. I miss him so much. I just miss having my best friend to share the everyday moments of life. Several times, I have caught myself dialing his cell phone, to share a thought or ask a question. I think everything is really going to hit me when I get home and Jason is not there. I think subconsciously, I feel like I am on vacation, and Jason will be waiting for me at home. I can really use your prayers and encouragement these next few days.

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers!

The End Of A Dream

On April 1, 2003, Jason proposed to me. Since Jason couldn’t do anything halfway, his proposal was unique and elaborate. After dinner at a quaint little Italian restaurant, Jason went our to the car and returned with a hatbox. He had decorated the box with the words “A DREAM… LOVE, LIFE, JOY” He handed me the lid and began to pull items out of the box. First he pulled out a green piece of felt. He told me how he had a dream that some day we would have a piece of land/farm. Next he pulled out a wooden house. He spoke of how we would have a house. Of course it would be a fixer-upper, so he also pulled out some little tools. He proceeded to tell me a story about our life and each time, he pulled something else out of the box and added to the house or land (all doll house style stuff). Finally, after about 50 things he pulled out a red barn that said Jason loves Joy in John Deer Green. Then he asked me to make his dream come true and be his wife. He opened the little barn and inside was the ring.

Almost five years later, that dream has come to an end with Jason’s sudden passing. While certain parts of the original dream came true, (We had a loving home, a fixer-upper house, a mailbox, a dog, a baby, and I even occasionally cooked for Jason.) the rest is not possible. We won’t buy a hobby farm together, have a barn (with or without writing on the side) or sit on a park bench and watch birds in the birdbath when we are old and gray.

I am still reeling from shock. Truthfully, I really don’t care if we ever bought a farm, had four kids, traveled the world or sat on a park bench. The important part of the dream was that we were together sharing life and love.

How do I mourn the end of our dream? How do I even begin to find the courage to begin to develop a new dream for the future?