I don't normally think of myself as a jealous person. Overall, I am usually fairly content with my lot in life. However, lately I've been struggling with feelings of jealousy.
I first noticed it several weeks ago. I was in a coffee shop working via their wireless connection. At the next table, four moms with young children were chatting and having some Bible Study and prayer time. From the little bit of their conversation I overheard, I gathered that they were stay at home moms enjoying their weekly girl time. I was jealous that I had to spend my morning working.
Since that moment I have noticed feeling of jealousy creeping in. It usually happens when I see dads playing with their children or couples holding hands. When I hear songs on the radio about Daddy's little girls growing up, I have to change the station.
Recently, I found out that several of my friends are expecting their second and third children. I am happy and excited for them, but I am also a little jealous. Jason and I wanted a medium to large size family that was fairly close in age. We even hoped that I would be pregnant again by now. I glad my friends are building their families, and I know they will have struggles with multiple young children that I won't have to face, but still...I wish it were me.
As of September, my friend Jenna has been living with me and taking care of Abigail while I am at work. I like to call her the Nanny! I love Jenna, and her willingness to help me out, but I am jealous that she gets to spend all day with my little girl while I have to go work to support our family. I wanted to be the one to raise and care for my daughter.
I know that all of the people I am jealous of have their own set of issues and struggles. I also know that I have been blessed in tons of other ways. Even though Jason and I had four and a half great years of marriage, it is kind of hard for me not to feel cheated out of another 44 years. I am just praying jealousy doesn't overwhelm me. I don't want to become a bitter, self-centered woman, always wishing and longing for something else.
I know that godliness with contentment is great gain, but I'm struggling with the contentment part right now. (I struggle with the godliness part all the time).
I first noticed it several weeks ago. I was in a coffee shop working via their wireless connection. At the next table, four moms with young children were chatting and having some Bible Study and prayer time. From the little bit of their conversation I overheard, I gathered that they were stay at home moms enjoying their weekly girl time. I was jealous that I had to spend my morning working.
Since that moment I have noticed feeling of jealousy creeping in. It usually happens when I see dads playing with their children or couples holding hands. When I hear songs on the radio about Daddy's little girls growing up, I have to change the station.
Recently, I found out that several of my friends are expecting their second and third children. I am happy and excited for them, but I am also a little jealous. Jason and I wanted a medium to large size family that was fairly close in age. We even hoped that I would be pregnant again by now. I glad my friends are building their families, and I know they will have struggles with multiple young children that I won't have to face, but still...I wish it were me.
As of September, my friend Jenna has been living with me and taking care of Abigail while I am at work. I like to call her the Nanny! I love Jenna, and her willingness to help me out, but I am jealous that she gets to spend all day with my little girl while I have to go work to support our family. I wanted to be the one to raise and care for my daughter.
I know that all of the people I am jealous of have their own set of issues and struggles. I also know that I have been blessed in tons of other ways. Even though Jason and I had four and a half great years of marriage, it is kind of hard for me not to feel cheated out of another 44 years. I am just praying jealousy doesn't overwhelm me. I don't want to become a bitter, self-centered woman, always wishing and longing for something else.
I know that godliness with contentment is great gain, but I'm struggling with the contentment part right now. (I struggle with the godliness part all the time).
2 comments:
Thank you for being so real Joy! My heart is so heavy for you. I will do what I know I can for you......PRAY! Remember the Lord knows all your thoughts, prayers, desires, and needs! Continue to trust Him for all you desire and all your thoughts and feelings. You are beautiful and loved!
For what it's worth, i am now jealous of those who get to go to work every morning and do whatever they want with their time and enegry. Being a grad school student has consumed me and I don't feel like i have time to volunteer, participate in random group meetings or the energy to invest in a church. Can i be jealous for different reasons, but still jealous with you?
sigh.
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