Bittersweet News

Okay here's my big news...Monday, I received an acceptable offer on my Crossville house, and I am the process of signing a contract with the potential buyers. Thankfully, the offer was not from the people with the three-week time frame, so I am looking at a closing date around December 15. That gives me one month to figure out what is next and make a move.

While having a contract on my home is a bit of a relief, I definitely have mixed feelings about it. After I found out about the deal I came home and balled my eyes out. I've always known this day would come, but now that it is here it is still difficult.

Jason and I put so much time energy and effort into this place, it going to be hard to leave it. We never planned to stay in this house; it was always going to be our fix it up and sell it for a profit house. (Unfortunately with the crummy market, the profit is not as much as I'd hoped for, but sometimes you just have to take what you can get.) Plus, I don't really want to stay in Crossville, so I know I have to sell the house.

Part of the reason I'm so on edge about the sale is because I don't know what is next or where I will be living in a month. I know I am needed and wanted at CP, but I feel lonely, tired, frustrated and burned out CP. The thought of moving my personal life alone with all of the work of moving the ministry to a new state is daunting and exhausting. I'm not sure I have the energy, drive and passion to thrive in such transition.

I have also been waiting to hear back about a few other job opportunities. I applied to two camps in Texas. One is definitely out, and I haven't heard anything from the other one. I'm not too hopeful. I also was really excited about another job op in CO, but I recently found out that while there is still a slim chance, it looks like they are planning to move in a different direction. (I was pretty bummed about it, but once again, it wasn't completely unexpected.)

Several friends have offered to open their homes to me while I figure out where I want to go, and what I want to do next. I'm extremely grateful for their offers. However, I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the idea of quiting a full-time job with somewhat flexible hours, tons of vacation and benefits where I know I am wanted and could be extremely helpful during a difficult time. It seems crazy to step away from that into unemployment or part time work while living indefinitely with friends or family. Accepting one of my friends' offers has the potential of being a time of healing and rest, but the uncertainty of moving with no job or concrete plans seems foolish in these uncertain economic times.

I think a lot of it comes down to pride and self-sufficiency. I want to be a mom who can financial take care of her family and provide a stable, loving home. I am not sure I am ready to take a leap of faith into the complete unknown at this point. While I know I have friends and family who will support me and take care of me if I need them to, my pride makes me hesitant to be dependent on them when I know I could take care of myself and Abigail. (Pride rears its ugly head...)

I know God is still on His throne and has a plan to give me hope and a future. However hope seems far away, and I am having a hard time discerning which direction to turn at the moment. I know it is not realistic, but I want a smooth, paved road with flashing neon lights.

All this to say....I'm thankful that I have buyers for my house, and I'm still uncertain about the future but leaning towards moving to KY with CP because I feel like the other doors are closing.

I Should Have Known Better

Yesterday, I wrote a post about how my life feels stuck in a holding pattern. I guess I should have thought twice before publishing those thoughts because yesterday brought an interesting turn of events. (I guess it is kind of like praying for patience. If you pray for it, you better be ready.) Anyway, nothing is set in the stone, but my house has been generating a lot more interest lately. I've had 5 showings in 6 days. Late yesterday afternoon, my realtor called me. She said that she a family interested in making an offer, but they need to take possession in three weeks. She asked if that was even an option. I told her it could be a possibility for the right price.

I am not sure if I could make that happen or not at this point. Three weeks from now, I have to be at our biggest tradeshow of the year for CP, and it is a four-day event. It is always a bit busy getting things ready for it, not to mention the fact that I will be gone for four days. Plus, there is this little issue of not having anywhere to move. I had originally planned to close on a house in KY next week. If I had stuck to my plan, being out in three weeks would not have been such a big deal.

The fact that I am still not sure if I want to stay with CP or if I am going to pursue something else drastically affects my moving process. I have a lead on something I am excited about, but I won't even know if it is a possibility until the end of the month. All that to say, at this point I have no idea where I would go if my house sells in three weeks.

Now I am hoping that the offer won't work out, or God opens some semi-truck doors in the near future.

Crying baby...gotta go.

Holding Pattern

Have you ever been on a flight where you are almost to your destination, and you end up stuck in a holding pattern. You're flying around in circles until whatever is holding up the process clears and you can safely land. You think about taking out a book or starting a conversation with someone next to you, but it seems kind of pointless. You know that shortly you'll have to put away your book or end your conversation, so you doubt that it is even worth the effort. Your mind skips ahead to the moment when your plane lands. You know you will be busy hitting the bathroom, finding your luggage or your connecting flight, figuring out your transportation or wondering if the person meeting you will be there when you arrive. Then your mind jumps even further ahead; you begin to think about your vacation/business meetings/homecoming. As you fly around in circles, you have nothing to do but think, plan, wondering and worry. You're not sure how long you will be stuck in the holding pattern. It could be two minutes or two hours...you just don't know.

Right now, my life feels like it is stuck in a holding pattern. I know that in a few weeks or months I will be packing up my whole life and moving. At this point, I'm not 100% where or when, but I know a flurry of activity is on the horizon. In the meantime, I'm feeling kind of lethargic and apathetic. It seems ridiculous to get involved in anything new or spend time pouring energy and effort into new friendships when I know I'm going to be leaving soon. I don't think I should start packing because the house is still on the market, and I don't want to try and keep it clean and organized while living out of boxes. While I know there are tons of little things I could and should be doing, I don't really want to do them. So I fill my days with my solitary work routine, playing with Abigail and keeping the house picked up. I should pick up a good book, but I don't want to have to think; I just want to be entertained. Therefore, I watch too many movies and lay around the house way too much. As I sit here waiting with nothing to do but think, wonder and worry, I hope I don't get into a pattern of spending my whole life wondering about the future and forgetting to live in the moment.

Mommy I Can Do It By Myself

Lately Abigail has been asserting her independence. She is become more of a toddler and less of a baby. Here are a few recent pics.

Time Changes and Changing Times

I used to like time changes until I moved to Tennessee and had a baby. I know we are supposed to like fall time changes because it means an extra hour of sleep, but I am not a fan! The last two mornings, Abigail awoke at 5:30 am. I know her internal clock says it is really 6:30 am, which means time to get up. However, the fact that my alarm clock says 5:30 makes me want to hurl it across the room, crawl back under the covers, turn off the monitor and pretend I don’t hear Abigail screaming for attention.

Not only do I dislike the way the time changes affect the mornings, I also hate the way they affect the evenings in TN. Crossville is the farthest east county in the Central Time Zone. That means that it gets dark an hour earlier in Crossville than it does in a town only 10 minutes away. Since the time change, it has been getting dark at 5:00pm. I know it has to get worse before it gets better. In December, it is pitch black outside by 4:15pm. For a girl who really likes the sunshine and playing outside, the fall time change is depressing.

Well, enough complaining about a change I can’t do anything about; let me fill you in on the many other changes in our lives. During the summer, I decided to continue working at CP for another year and make the move to Kentucky when the office moved this winter. I even found a house I liked in Wilmore and signed a contract. While this decision seemed to make a lot of sense, I have never had peace about it.

Several weeks ago, I was checking my email, when I discovered another Christian Camp in Texas was looking for a full-time Retreat Coordinator. Something about the ad resonated with me, so I decided to throw my name in the hat and see what happens. After filling out that application, I realized that I think that it is time for me to leave CP. As much as I love CP and know I have a lot to contribute during this time of transition, my heart just isn’t in it. Jason and I always ministered together at CP and is just isn’t the same without him. Plus, I don’t think it is healthy for me to go into the office and work all by myself for days and weeks on end. It is extremely lonely, and I need to work with other people right now. I need their passion and encouragement to rub off on me. I am tired of feeling the weight of CP on my shoulders, and I dread all the work and details involved in CP’s move to KY.

Truthfully, I feel bad that my commitment to CP is waning right now, but I think I need to take care of myself at this point. Lately, I can feel myself slipping back into depression. I am dispassionate, exhausted and apathetic. I miss Jason like crazy this month. My tears are coming more frequently instead of less frequently, and I feel like I am entering a whole new stage of the grieving process. I thought it was supposed to get easier with time, but it seems to be getting more difficult for me lately.

All of these doubts led me to cancel the contract on the house I was going to buy in Kentucky. I felt horrible going back on my promise, but I feel peace about the decision.

So what does this all mean? I’m not sure at the moment. After much prayer, I applied for a couple more camp jobs. I am also excited about one possibility that has come to my attention recently. In the meantime, I am planning on working at CP at least through the end of the year. I may decide to stay on and move to KY with the ministry in January, but truthfully, I think I will probably continue to explore other options.

I definitely covet your prayers right now, and if anyone has any ideas for my future, I’d love to hear about them.