My First Mother's Day

Technically, my first Mother's Day was 28 years ago. However, today was my first Mother's Day as a mom. My day was bittersweet. My day wasn't exactly bitter...just emotionally difficult. All day long, people kept reminding me it was Mothers' Day. After lunch, I ran some errands in town, and every where I went people stopped to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. In Lowes, several people saw me carrying Abigail and stopped to ask me if it was my first Mother's Day. In the grocery store parking lot, some lady I didn't even know honked at me and opened her window to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. In the grocery store the clerk asked me about Abigail, and she made the comment that I shouldn't have to go grocery shopping on my first Mother's Day.

I know all of these people were being kind, and they were excited for me, thinking that I would be excited too. I am excited to be a mom. I love it! However, I'm not so excited about the holiday this year. Of course, I politely smiled at all of these people and kept of my end of the small talk. In my head, I was screaming at them things like, "No, my day is not happy.... I spent two hours crying, thanks for asking. .. I have to go grocery shopping because there is no one else to do it for me."

The bitterest part of the day was just the reminder that Jason is not here to share it with me. I know he would have done something romantic or thoughtful, because he always spoiled me on holidays. I also spent a couple of hours crying. I mourned over our family. We always talked about having a large family with several children. I never dreamed I would be a single mother raising one child by myself. I mourned the fact that I might not have the opportunity to give birth any more babies. I mourned over the loss of what we had planned for our life and family. I mourned over the loss of having Jason to share my joys, fears and responsibilities as a parent.

Okay, I am kind of dwelling on the bitter, but today also had sweet moments. Some of our summer staff managers arrived last week, and they've have been staying with me for a few days. It has been great to have the company. When, I went town to run my errands, they cleaned my house. I arrived home to a clean house, flowers, and a Mother's Day card from the gals. It was so thoughtful of them. I also received several phone calls and cards. One friend even sent me some money to spoil myself. My friends and family really stepped in and spoiled me today. They helped make a difficult day a little brighter.