Prayer Request

I'm not sure anyone will actually read this post this morning, but I thought I would throw it out there anyway. This morning we have a CPR & First Aid recertification class as part of our summer staff training. Unfortunately, my certifications expire this summer, so I have to take the class to remain current. Normally, I don't give the class a second thought since I have been taking CPR classes since I was in Junior High. This time, I'm a bit apprehensive. I'm scared that the class will bring up bad memories of doing CPR on Jason while I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive. I'm just not sure how I will react in the classroom situation, and I really don't want to lose it in front of all of the new staff members. I also am nervous that the class will somehow bring back my recurring nightmares about the night that Jason died. Anyway, if you happen to read this, I could really use your prayers this morning (Tuesday). Actually, I appreciate prayers any time but especially today.

Giving Up

Tonight I decided that I'm officially giving up. I'm not going to write anymore thank you notes for a while, and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Tonight I pulled out my bag to add some names to the list of people I still need to thank, and I discovered that at some point over the last few weeks, my system for keeping track of finished thank you notes broke down. I have no idea who I sent notes to and who I still need to send notes to. This process of writing notes has been hanging over my head for months. Every time I sit down to write, my emotions go haywire, and I always end up drained after only writing a few notes.

At this point, I'm just saying sorry to everyone that did not get a personal note from me. I truly appreciated each and every gift and word of encouragement! So many people gave me so much over the past several months. Someday, I'll have to write a blog post highlighting many of the amazing thoughtful things people have done for me.

The straw that broke the back of my thank you writing camel came in the mail about a month ago. When I got home from work a package was laying by the front door. Upon opening it, I found a bound book with a leather cover. The book was about the size of a high school yearbook. The cover was engraved in gold with the words, "In Memory of Jason Young." As I flipped through the book, I noticed that the first few pages were cheesy poems and words of advice about grieving. The back half was filled with summarized Bible stories and really bad illustrations of a pasty white Jesus in flowing robes. All in all, the book struck me as completely cheesy. I most certainly did not appreciate it, and I doubt if I'll ever look at it again.

Included in the package was a letter from the editor of the book explaining how local businesses had helped sponsor the gift. The letter noted that I should refer to the pages of sponsoring businesses printed in the book. For my convenience the publisher included 15 thank you cards, so I could easily thank all of the businesses for their generous gift to make this book possible. My first thought was, "You've got be kidding me!" Okay, I am a grieving widow, working full time with a small baby. I have a hundred things on my plate, and you want me to take the time and energy to send thank you notes to 15 businesses for a book I don't want and will never use. I have a hundred people I love and care about who have bent over backwards for me, and I don't have the time and energy to properly thank them. What makes you think adding more thank you notes to my list is a good idea?

(Moral of the story...if anyone ever approaches your business with a great idea to sponsor a cheesy book for people who have just lost a family member, say no thank you and walk away.)

Okay, enough raving about that stupid gift. I really am so incredibly thankful for everyone who continues to pray, encourage, and financially support me. You really are the people who help me get through the difficult days. Thank you one and all!

Photo Scavenger Hunt

As part of our staff training, we did a photo scavenger hunt tonight. Here are a few pictures of our team.

I can't believe we all fit in here

Were's Waldo...Can you find us?

Scene from a movie...Cool Runnings

Crossvile Date Idea...A Night At the Revival

A Crossville Landmark

Entertainers

This week, fun, new people arrived to entertain Abigail. I'm sure it's much more fun than her boring, old Mommy.

(Reading the Three Little Pigs with Grandpa)

(Shea & Tackett give Abigail a rolling office tour)

(Rebecca goes with the funny face approach.)

Summer Has Arrived

I guess technically, summer is about a month away. However, for me, it is kicking into high gear. Last week, several of our summer managers arrived to help prepare for the summer. On Saturday, a group of our past staff members came and helped us move bunk beds and other equipment to the lodge we are going to be using for staff housing this summer. Their help was a tremendous blessing. Today our managers training began, and next Monday our staff training officially gets started.

While staff training is always a fun and exciting time, this year I am not quite sure how to process everything. I've enjoyed hanging out with the managers, and getting them started on their summer tasks. Their fun spirits and great company has been a good distraction for me. However, I also keep thinking how different things would be if Jason where here. He always played such a big role this time of year that I subconsciously think that somehow he will just jump in and take over.

I guess I am a bit apprehensive of my role with the staff this summer. I love our management team, and I have worked with a number of our staff members before. However, my life is so drastically different then theirs, I hope that I can still relate. I've been out of college for seven years. I'm a mom with a small child who needs love, attention, and routine. Now, I'm a widow. How do I relate to single college students 5 to 10 years younger than me, and at a totally different stage of life? How do I oversee and take care of them, when I can barely take care of myself and my child? How do I encourage and challenge them spiritually, when I am discouraged and spiritually challenged myself? How do I live, love and lead out of my weakness and brokenness?

Speaking of summer apprehensions, I am still concerned about our lack of summer staff. Our staff training is supposed to start next Monday. However, at the moment we are still about seven staff short. I'm still praying for a miracle, but God really is going to have to show up in a miraculous way if we are going to have a full team this summer. Please join me in prayer over this matter. Once again, if you happen to know any Christian college students who are available to work in ministry in Tennessee this summer please let me know, or send them to www.confrontationpoint.org!

The Saga of the Mice Continues

Grrr.... I am so frustrated. My mouse problem was getting so bad, I gave up trying to catch them. I did some research and found a poison that is supposed to kill mice and instantly dehydrate them so they won't smell. I figured, I would poison the pesky little critters and then plug any holes I could find so more won't invade my home.

The initial stage of poisoning the mice, wasn't too bad. I put the poison out in high traffic areas, and I could tell that the mice were taking the bait. The a few days ago, I start smelling the distinct odor of dead mice. The past couple days, the slight odor has becoming an overwhelming stench. My whole house reeks, but I can't find the dead mice anywhere. The last couple of evenings, I have found excuses to go out, so I don't have to sit at home and deal with the smell.

Now, I am not sure which is worse, live mice or dead ones. I just can't win.

My First Mother's Day

Technically, my first Mother's Day was 28 years ago. However, today was my first Mother's Day as a mom. My day was bittersweet. My day wasn't exactly bitter...just emotionally difficult. All day long, people kept reminding me it was Mothers' Day. After lunch, I ran some errands in town, and every where I went people stopped to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. In Lowes, several people saw me carrying Abigail and stopped to ask me if it was my first Mother's Day. In the grocery store parking lot, some lady I didn't even know honked at me and opened her window to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. In the grocery store the clerk asked me about Abigail, and she made the comment that I shouldn't have to go grocery shopping on my first Mother's Day.

I know all of these people were being kind, and they were excited for me, thinking that I would be excited too. I am excited to be a mom. I love it! However, I'm not so excited about the holiday this year. Of course, I politely smiled at all of these people and kept of my end of the small talk. In my head, I was screaming at them things like, "No, my day is not happy.... I spent two hours crying, thanks for asking. .. I have to go grocery shopping because there is no one else to do it for me."

The bitterest part of the day was just the reminder that Jason is not here to share it with me. I know he would have done something romantic or thoughtful, because he always spoiled me on holidays. I also spent a couple of hours crying. I mourned over our family. We always talked about having a large family with several children. I never dreamed I would be a single mother raising one child by myself. I mourned the fact that I might not have the opportunity to give birth any more babies. I mourned over the loss of what we had planned for our life and family. I mourned over the loss of having Jason to share my joys, fears and responsibilities as a parent.

Okay, I am kind of dwelling on the bitter, but today also had sweet moments. Some of our summer staff managers arrived last week, and they've have been staying with me for a few days. It has been great to have the company. When, I went town to run my errands, they cleaned my house. I arrived home to a clean house, flowers, and a Mother's Day card from the gals. It was so thoughtful of them. I also received several phone calls and cards. One friend even sent me some money to spoil myself. My friends and family really stepped in and spoiled me today. They helped make a difficult day a little brighter.

Music & Memories

I've never really been a music lover. As far as music goes, I can take it or leave it. Most of the time I prefer a book to music, and I seldom play music while I am working because I get too distract by the words. Riding in the car, is one of the few times I actually listen to music. Most of the time it is just the radio, since my thrifty Dutch upbringing cringes at actually spending money for music.

Since I'm not a music fan, I've never realized how many memories and emotions music evokes. Most songs lyrics reflect the extreme highs and lows of life and they are written by people when their hearts are overflowing. They tend to be about love or pain and grief. Basically, the things that I don't want to dwell on right now.

In the past few months, every time I turn on the radio, I usually have to change the channel 50 times or I end up sobbing uncontrollably. I enjoy one song, then BAM! The next song touches on a nerve, emotion, or memory, and I'm in tears before I know what hit me.

I tried listening to some of my own CDs, thinking that at least I would know what was coming next. However, the since Jason and I never owned many CDs, we usually listened to them over and over again, especially on road trips. Each song evokes a memory of our time together. Plus, the CD player in my car is on the fritz.

I tried driving around in silence, but I just need some background noise these days. Especially, since my house is so quiet.

Last week, I broke down and bought an iPod. I figured at least I can upload music and audio books that won't send me over my emotional limit until I'm am ready to deal with the next level of grief. The only problem is that because I'm not an avid music listener, I have no idea what music is good. I have a gift card for iTunes, but I haven't the foggiest idea what music to get.

Perhaps, you can help me. Do you have a couple of favorites or new songs that you enjoy and would recommend? For the most part, I like a wide variety of different genres. Really the only type of music I can't stand is heavy metal. My only other criteria has more to do with content than genre. No sappy love songs, songs about marriage, death, or daddies and their little girls.

Thanks for your help...Maybe I can enjoy music again. Perhaps someday I'll actually be able to appreciate the depth, emotion, and memories generated by music. In the meantime, I have to screen my music in order to keep from falling apart too many times throughout the day.

Doing The Next Thing

I feel like I have been moving in slow motion lately. I've been working on a project that normally would have taken me three hours tops, but I started it last Wednesday. I'm still not finished. I am kind of getting frustrated that it is taking me so long, but apparently not frustrated enough that I make the sacrifices to finish the work.

Last night, I had big plans to get the fireplace room primed and ready to paint. However, as I started looking at it, I realized how much effort it was going to take for me to haul paint up and down the 10 ft scaffolding all by myself. As I was getting ready to get started, Abigail got really fussy and attention was the only thing that improved her mood. My lack of motivation compounded by Abigail's mood caused me to give up before I even got started.

Since we are cooped up in the office all day long, I decided to put Abigail in the stroller and go for a walk instead. After our walk, we rolled around on the floor and played with toys for about an hour before Abigail's bedtime. Originally my plan was to finish working after she went to bed, but I just couldn't summon the energy.

Later in the evening, I started processing why I just can get it together to finish anything. For one thing Abigail is getting pretty mobile, and I can't really leave her alone to play. Plus, I always feel bad for her because she is stuck in the office with me all day, and little girls need space to roll around and play. Secondly, I think this grieving process is sapping more of my energy than I realize. It takes me so much more mental strength and stamina to get through the day. Finally, I realized that things take me so much longer because I don't really want to do them without Jason. Especially working on the house. It was our project together, and I just don't want to do it alone.

Truthfully, I am mentally and physically tired, and I am trying not to stress out about how busy the next few weeks are going to be. Maybe I just need to focus on one thing at a time. In the study I am doing on grief they recommend "just doing the next thing." So I guess right now that means getting out of bed, taking a shower, and going to the office. (Oops, I guess I am looking too far ahead because that's three things.)

Praying For A Miracle

Okay, I am trying not to stress out about the fact that our summer staff training starts in two weeks and we are at least eight staff short. I'm trusting God to provide somehow, but it would be a heck of a lot easier and less stressful, if we don't have to piecemeal our staff together each week. Right now I am praying that God will miraculously supply at least eight people by the time staff training starts on May 18th. We feel like we have tried every avenue we can think of, but we just can't seem to find Christian college students or recent grads who are willing and able to serve this summer.

I would appreciate your prayers in this matter. In addition, if you happen to know anyone who may be interested in the best summer job ever, have them contact me or visit www.confrontationpoint.org

Video

Here is a video one of our past staff made to help us recruit summer staff.

Hammock Bliss

It is late Sunday afternoon, and I wish you could see us right now. I'm sure we make a funny picture. Abigail and I are snuggled in our hammock surrounded by pillows and covered by a blanket. Abigail missed both of her naps today, so she is cuddled up next me fighting to keep her eyes open. She desperately wants to help me type, but she barely has the energy to put her hand on top of mine. Samson is sunning himself in the woods nearby chomping on on a stick. I have to say that hammocks are one of my all time favorite inventions. Somehow a lazy hour in the hammock manages to calm and relax me.

The weekend has been sort of busy. I've been trying to fix the mess that my drywall guys made. I am not a professional, but I have to say that they did a crummy job around the fireplace. I came up with a plan to fix it, but it is a slow and tedious project, especially since I can really only work when Abigail is sleeping. I thought about calling the guys and having them come back and fix it, but they gave me such a hard time about every little thing...they basically said that it was the best they could do. I don't think I'm too picky, but it is just not good enough for me. The only good thing about this last drywall project is the money. The other day, I went to transfer money from my savings account to my checking account to pay for the drywall and to pay the hangers and finishers. When I checked my account balance, I couldn't figure out why there was so much money in my checking account. (Not a bad problem.) After I dug a little further, I discovered that my economic stimulus tax return bonus (or whatever they call it) had been deposited to my account. I didn't expect my money so soon. Hurray for getting unexpected money back from the government. In fact, it was just enough to cover all of my drywall and finish work. I didn't even need to dip into my savings account. Sometimes God's timing is amazing!

I actually have a lot more to say, but now Abigail is snoring. Her sweet snoring is making me sleepy too. I think I'll join her and take a little hammock nap too.

My New Hat

Sugar and Spice