Random Thoughts

Lately, I have kind of been at a loss for words. I have all kinds of random thoughts floating around in my head, but I haven't been able to string them together enough to make them into blog post. I decided just to do a post of randomness.

• Truthfully, I am a private person. It is extremely hard of me to really be open, weak and messy. Jason was really the only person I let see the real messy me.
• Currently, I still feel like I have to hold it together in front my friends and family, so I don't completely scare people away.
• I feel like I am just trying to stay busy to keep from dwelling on my grief or having to deal with big decisions.
• I still cry myself to sleep several nights a week.
• The other night, I heard Samson snoring. Subconsciously, I thought it was Jason. In my sleep, I rolled over to cuddle him, only to wake myself up by smacking my head on the daybed post.
• I am trying not be stressed out by the fact that we are still in desperate need of staff for this summer.
• I am a bit concerned that it already almost May 1st. I have several big projects at work that I should have completed by May, but I am probably not going to finish them in time. While things are not going to fall apart, if I don't make the deadline, I still would like to try and stay on schedule.
• I feel like I only have about half of my normal amount of energy.
• Tonight, I tried to make popcorn, but ended burning the whole bag. It's a wonder, I didn't set off the smoke alarms.
• Last week, I was proud of myself for ordering parts and fixing my own lawn mower.
• Lately, I haven't wanted to dwell in a place of grief, so I have been avoiding writing and talking to people.
• Thursday night a new Christian grief group starts in Knoxville. I am trying to get up the courage to sign up. I know it will be good for me, but I am dreading the long weekly drive. I think I am also scared to face my grief especially if I have to go alone.
• Abigail is still working on her first tooth. I wish I could just make it better for her.
• I am about 20 emails behind.
• I still need to order a headstone for Jason's grave, but I'm avoiding it because I have no idea what I want it to look like or say.
• I feel like I need to make a decision about what to do after the summer. Do I go or stay?
• My friend left two days ago, and my house is already a complete disaster. I just can't keep it together, especially with a fussy teething baby.
• I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I am wondering when I will be able thinking clearly again.
• I am crying as I type this, and I'm not actually sure I have the guts to post such a depressing, honest string of thoughts.
• Yesterday, I had a huge craving for chocolate, but I made myself eat broccoli instead.
• I still miss my best friend.
• I'm mad at my drywall guys because they treat me like a dumb girl who should just let them make all the decisions about my house.
• Last week, a couple of people told me they thought I was courageous. I feel anything but courageous. I'm tired, scared, and lonely. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what I have to do to hold it together. It's not courage...it's survival.

Well, that's all the randomness I feel up to writing at the moment. I'm taking a big chance putting all of these thoughts out there for others to read. I guess it is a step toward transparency.