Some Beach, Somewhere

Emotionally and physically, this week has been the toughest so far. For some reason today was particularly hard. I can't quite put into words why today was so difficult. It was just tough. All day I wanted to run away. If I didn't so much on my plate at work, I would have just hopped in the car and started driving. I would have gone to the beach or at least the ocean. It is kind of weird since I am not really a beach kind of girl. However, I just had a strong desire to get away from it all, watch the waves, and smell the salty air.

Random Thoughts

Lately, I have kind of been at a loss for words. I have all kinds of random thoughts floating around in my head, but I haven't been able to string them together enough to make them into blog post. I decided just to do a post of randomness.

• Truthfully, I am a private person. It is extremely hard of me to really be open, weak and messy. Jason was really the only person I let see the real messy me.
• Currently, I still feel like I have to hold it together in front my friends and family, so I don't completely scare people away.
• I feel like I am just trying to stay busy to keep from dwelling on my grief or having to deal with big decisions.
• I still cry myself to sleep several nights a week.
• The other night, I heard Samson snoring. Subconsciously, I thought it was Jason. In my sleep, I rolled over to cuddle him, only to wake myself up by smacking my head on the daybed post.
• I am trying not be stressed out by the fact that we are still in desperate need of staff for this summer.
• I am a bit concerned that it already almost May 1st. I have several big projects at work that I should have completed by May, but I am probably not going to finish them in time. While things are not going to fall apart, if I don't make the deadline, I still would like to try and stay on schedule.
• I feel like I only have about half of my normal amount of energy.
• Tonight, I tried to make popcorn, but ended burning the whole bag. It's a wonder, I didn't set off the smoke alarms.
• Last week, I was proud of myself for ordering parts and fixing my own lawn mower.
• Lately, I haven't wanted to dwell in a place of grief, so I have been avoiding writing and talking to people.
• Thursday night a new Christian grief group starts in Knoxville. I am trying to get up the courage to sign up. I know it will be good for me, but I am dreading the long weekly drive. I think I am also scared to face my grief especially if I have to go alone.
• Abigail is still working on her first tooth. I wish I could just make it better for her.
• I am about 20 emails behind.
• I still need to order a headstone for Jason's grave, but I'm avoiding it because I have no idea what I want it to look like or say.
• I feel like I need to make a decision about what to do after the summer. Do I go or stay?
• My friend left two days ago, and my house is already a complete disaster. I just can't keep it together, especially with a fussy teething baby.
• I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I am wondering when I will be able thinking clearly again.
• I am crying as I type this, and I'm not actually sure I have the guts to post such a depressing, honest string of thoughts.
• Yesterday, I had a huge craving for chocolate, but I made myself eat broccoli instead.
• I still miss my best friend.
• I'm mad at my drywall guys because they treat me like a dumb girl who should just let them make all the decisions about my house.
• Last week, a couple of people told me they thought I was courageous. I feel anything but courageous. I'm tired, scared, and lonely. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what I have to do to hold it together. It's not courage...it's survival.

Well, that's all the randomness I feel up to writing at the moment. I'm taking a big chance putting all of these thoughts out there for others to read. I guess it is a step toward transparency.

The Great Mouse Hunt

We've been living in this fixer-upper house for the past three years. Ever since we moved in, we've had a problem with little furry creatures. I've been on a mission to get rid of them, but they are smart little creatures. Somehow they manage to drag dog food halfway across the house and into my kitchen drawers. They chew holes in my kitchen towels and eat every little morsel left out on the kitchen counters. With all of the holes created by our renovations, it is almost impossible to keep up with our mouse population.

Over the last year, I've been a mouse hunter. I've trapped 29 of the rodents. I'm not a girly girl, but I absolutely hate to empty mouse traps, so Jason and I made a deal, if I trap them, he would get rid of them. I only had to empty three traps in the last year. Ever since, Jason died, I've avoided setting traps because I hate to empty them. Now the stupid mice are taking over my house, especially my kitchen.

Yesterday, I came home to the distinct smell of a dead mouse. I've searched everywhere, but to no avail. So now, I am not only hunting live mice, I am also hunting dead ones too!

A Breath of Colorado Air

You may have noticed that I didn't write a single blog last week. There are several reasons I didn't venture to write. However, the major reason is that I had company. One of my college friends and her son from Colorado stayed with us last week. She came and spent most of the week filling my refrigerator and freezer with yummy, healthy, organic food. Her son was such a sweetie, and Abigail really took to him. After three full days cooking and cleaning, my freezer is filled to the brim with single serving meals and homemade baby food. I have to say that her subtle acts of service really touched me. She met a need that I really didn't consider. When I came home tonight and just popped a healthily frozen meal in the oven, I realized just what a special gift she provided.

On Friday, I was able to take the day off work, and we went for a hike. It was so great to get outside and enjoy a bit of spring weather.

Thanks for a great week Holly!

Elephant In The Room

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to one of my friends. Even though she is one of my best friends, she commented that she felt like there was an elephant in the room whenever she talked to me. If you are unfamiliar with the expression, "elephant in the room" refers to a situation where something major is going on, it's on everyone's mind and impossible to ignore -- like an elephant in the room. But nobody talks about the "elephant" because nobody knows what to do about it.

Recently, I've gotten that feeling from a lot of people, including my closest friends and family. A lot of people tend to feel awkward around me. They don't know what to do or say, and they don't want to risk saying or doing the wrong thing.

I guess I am writing this blog to acknowledge the fact that I understand you may feel a bit awkward around me, and you may not know how to respond to me. Since everyone tends to approach grief differently, here is some advice on how to handle me right now.

• For the most part, I'm not overly sensitive. You don't need to agonize about every word you say to me. If you happen to say something that strikes me the wrong way, I understand that you don't mean to hurt me.


• It is okay to ask me questions. I'll tell you if I don't want to answer you.


• I love to get emails, phone calls, and letters. I am highly encouraged by them. Right now, I'm usually not up to responding, or it may take me a while to respond. However, please know that all of your thoughtful words are greatly appreciated. (Getting mail is one of the highlights of my day!)


• It is okay to mention Jason when you are talking to me.


• I hate it when people give me that long kind of awkward sympathy stare.


• I am also not a big fan of extra long hugs from people I don't know very well. However, I do love hugs from friends.


• Please don't send me text messages on my phone. I have to pay $.2o for every text message. I'd rather you call me, or shoot me an email or facebook message.


• I tend to do most of my crying and deep mourning when I am alone. I seldom cry when I hanging out or talking to friends.


• Some of my friends have been hesitant to share what is going on in their lives with me because they don't want to burden me with their issues or make me feel bad if they are having a great time. Truthfully, I want to hear what is going on with you. If you call me, I will often ask you to tell me about your life. I crave to hear stories about everyday events. It gives me hope that someday, life will take on some sort of normalcy for me. Plus, I actually like having time when I don't have to dwell on me and my issues.


• I've have been quieter and more withdrawn lately, but I still like to be around people.
  
• I covet your prayers!

I'm sure there are more things, but it's late and my brain isn't functioning very well. When in doubt ask me. I hope this helps you better understand how to communicate with me. Thank you for hanging in there with me even if the elephant in the room can make it a bit awkward at times.

Speaking of elephants in the room, here is a picture of an elephant that was in the room with me earlier this evening. (Note the pajamas)

Southern Gals

Although I've lived in the South for almost six years, I couldn't claim to be a true Southern girl because I'd never been to a Civil War reenactment. Today, I decided any more like a true Southerner, but the history nerd in me had a great time. Here are a few pictures of our little adventure.

Abigail's Post

Tonight, I was trying to type an email to a friend, and a half asleep Abigail kept trying to help me type. I finally gave up trying to work around her. I probably made a big mistake, but I let her type for a couple of minutes.

Here's what Abigail wanted to tell ya'll:

bhnjhiujtmkk-0-.m nhbhbgv c vh kn. edcsbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb21 7657 Q DC ZS```````````````````VFG HBJN YT4343SE 96 ,MJDB V ,N.N N M D 65555555555555555555555555D. g cytyt V1X VV C

Blog Ideas

I have several blog ideas floating around in my head. I've been meaning to write them, but I haven't got around to it yet. Maybe if I post the titles, it will help motivate me actually write them.

• Let's Make A Memory
• Elephant In the Room
• Thank You Notes
• CP Update
• The Body of Christ
• The Bachelor
• A Job For Joy

Okay, now the titles are out there I guess I'll actually have get typing.

Complaining

Tonight I am in the mood to complain. For those of you who are keeping tabs on me through this blog, please don't worry about me after reading this post. I am okay. I'm just frustrated by everything, and I need to blow off steam. Most of my complaints are stupid, and I know I should come up with things to be thankful for instead. However, I'm in a stinky mood, and I don't feel like being happy or thankful at this time. I just want to wallow. So here are some of my dumb complaints:

• Abigail has been a handful the last couple of days. She is fussy and clingy.
• Samson is also getting on my nerves. He can't decide if he wants to be inside or outside tonight. I also think he might have some ticks.
• The drywalls guys said they were going to start hanging drywall on Tuesday. As of tonight, they still haven't started.
• It was 70 and sunny today, and I was stuck in the office.
• I have been super emotional the last couple of days, and I've had several breakdowns.
• Tonight I yelled at the dog and got frustrated with Abigail. (Not the kind of mom I want to be.)
• Tonight after I finally got Abigail to sleep, I poured myself a hot bath. As I was getting in the tub, I spilled the last glass of my drink all over. I think it might have stained my bath towel.
• After I cleaned-up my spilled drink, I was enjoying my tub when I heard a mouse rummaging around in the vanity cabinet. I hate mice, and I'm so mad at our plumber I could scream. It ruined my enjoyment of my bath.
• I was just curling up in bed with a movie when Abigail started having a nightmare again.
• Yesterday, I was able to ride a horse at a friend's house, which was a real treat. Today, I am a bit stiff and sore.
• At the risk of sharing too much information...My hormones are kicking in for the first time after Abigail's birth, and they are making my emotions run haywire. I am also mourning the fact that I have to deal with this woman stuff, and I can't even have anymore babies (at least not for a really long time.)
• I had to do bookwork and pay bills this morning. Not on the list of my top ten favorite things.
• I miss Jason.
• I'm am dreading the thought of looking for jobs and having to start a new life somewhere else.

Okay, enough complaining. I feel better just being able to get it all out. Hope your day was better than mine.

Not My Favorite Stage

Usually, Abigail is full of smiles and laughs. I've been so spoiled/blessed with such an easy going little girl. However the last two days she has been out of sorts, and since I'm not used to a fussy baby, I am frustrated. After being held constantly and spoiled by four people all week last week, the adjustment back to life with just me has been difficult for her. In addition, I can actually see an eye tooth popping through her gums. She is also getting pretty mobile, so she is into everything she can get her hands on reach by rolling. She gets upset with me every time I take away something she should have. I think she is also beginning an attachment phase. Every time I'm out her sight or I turn my back on her, she starts screaming. All that to say, it has been a tough couple of days around the Young house and the office. I don't know how mothers with high maintenance babies do it...you have my respect and sympathy! Well, I am going to end this post because a sleepy Abigail's sitting on my lap trying to help me type, and it isn't working too well. I am hoping she will fall asleep soon, so I can run on the treadmill and take a bath before bed. I just need a little space and time to myself. You can pray that this stage will pass soon!

House Update

Since I really haven't written much this week, I thought I would at least give my faithful readers a quick update. Last week, my dad and a couple of our friends from his church came out to help me work on the house. I was surprised at how much work the guys managed to finish. My front fireplace room is really the only major room left to finish in the house, and they got it framed, wired, insulated, and ready for drywall. In fact they, accomplished that so quickly that they even had two and half days to help me with other odd and end projects. While they were working on framing, I removed the rust from the fireplace and painted it. All in all a great week of work.

Today, I have a crew of guys coming to hang drywall. I'm hoping it will be ready to paint by this weekend. Then all that remains to finish is a little bit of trim and carpet. Hopefully, I will be completely finished with this room in less than three weeks (considering I really only work on the weekends.) After the fireplace room is completed, I have some touch up paint to do in the rest of the house, and some landscaping to do outside before everything is completed. I am hoping to have the house ready to go on the market July 1st. I'm not sure if I will actually list it at that time, but it will just be nice to have it ready if I decide to move this fall.

While the guys were working on the house, Georgia watched Abigail. Abigail, loved having attention all the time. Since Dad, Darrell and Georgia left yesterday, Abigail is going through Georgia withdraw and missing her Grandpa. Yesterday was a little rough at work, as Abigail had to relearn how to entertain herself while I was working.

Here are a few not so great pictures.

Sending Spring Daisies

The Reinforcements Have Arrived

If you read my blog on a regular basis, you will notice that I will probably not post much this week. On Monday evening, my dad and a couple from our church in Iowa, Darrell and Georgia, arrived to help me attack the last room in the house that needs to be remodeled. The goal is to be ready for drywall by the time they leave at the end of the week. So far, they are right on schedule. (I can't believe the amount of work they accomplished today.)

They came at almost the perfect time. I was starting to slip into a bit of a distant, reclusive mood, so it has been good for me to be surrounded by people again for a while. I normally love to be right in the middle of the work projects getting my hands dirty and manning the saw. This time however, I've barely helped at all. Between watching Abigail, making meals, and running in to work at the office off and on, I've probably only helped about 10 minutes. In fact, today I was so exhausted that Abigail and I took a two hour nap in the hammock in the middle of the afternoon while everyone else worked. (Not like me at all!)

Anyway, here is a picture of dad and me at work. (I'm the headless one in the green shirt.)

Well, speaking of exhaustion, I'm off to sleep and it is only 9:45. I guess all of the 1:00am bedtimes are finally catching up to me. If you're praying for me, you can pray for a productive and safe week of work, good fellowship, and my mind and body will get the rest I need.

Good night.

Verses

This morning a couple of verses really jumped out at me.

1 Peter 5:6-10
"6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

Pals, Pedicures and Procrastination

Over the course of the last couple of months, tons of people helped me and encouraged me in a thousand different ways. However, Deborah and Renee have gone above and beyond. They did everything from help me plan and coordinate the funeral, to keeping me company with sleepovers, to screening my phone calls, to bringing me coffee and donuts on my lonely mornings, to watching Abigail when I needed a break, to a hundred other things I probably don't even know about.

As a small way to say thank you for their genuine love and care, I invited them to join me this morning for a pampering spa pedicure. Here's the result.

Following our pampering and a crazy trip to the grocery store, I had great intentions of coming home, cleaning the house, doing laundry, and attacking the other items on my to do list. Instead, I came home and started procrastinating. I wasted the rest of the day and night sitting in front of the TV, and I don't even really like to watch TV. I think my procrastination is just my way of coping and avoiding reality. The only thing I have to show for my day is cute toes, 10 thank you notes, and this one lousy blog post. (Technically, it's after midnight, so this blog post doesn't really even count.)

Of Budgets and Brownies

Tonight I planned to work on my budget. I am trying to run the numbers and figure out if I can cover all our expenses without having to dig in to Abigail's Social Security Check or our insurance money. Jason and I made it a point to live on only one income and use my income to work on the house or buy other big ticket items like furniture. However, we were living on his income not mine. I'm sure I can make it work, but I really need to play with the numbers and figure out the cash flow. After sitting down with the numbers for about 10 minutes, I decided I needed a break.

Every good budget break needs a trip to the kitchen. As was hunting for a snack I came across a couple of boxes of brownie mixes. A little known fact: brownies are my dessert of choice. Once I make a pan, I can't stop eating them. I even love brownies for breakfast. I could usually eat a whole pan in two to three days. I started with one or two & a then I would have to straighten out my crooked cuts. Next thing I knew, half the pan was gone.

Once he discovered my weakness for the soft fudgey treat, Jason always gave me a hard time about and claimed that if he didn't steal the first couple of pieces, he wouldn't get any. I used all my will power to make them last as long as possible & make sure Jason got last one. That way he couldn't blame me for scarfing down the whole pan. Jason also started hiding the pan of brownies, so I had to hunt for them and I wouldn't eat the whole thing for breakfast.

So tonight, I made my first pan of brownies without Jason. I only ate three, and then I hid the pan the same place Jason hid it last time. It was such a great spot it took me two days to find it. By the time I discovered it, Jason had only left me two brownies. Maybe I'll forget about the chocolaty goodness tomorrow morning, and manage to make it through the day without annihilating the rest of the pan. I can only hope.

After my brownie break, I decided it was also time to take a budget break until tomorrow... Hurray for breaks and brownies.

Wishful Thinking

It's been a long rainy week. Abigail and I are longing to enjoy some spring weather. Once again, today started off wet and gloomy. In attempt to brighten our day, I dressed Abigail in her summer tye-dye and I broke out my Chacos. (Oh spring...please hurry.)

Jenna, Ruthie & the CP Staff...this photo is for you!

1:00am

It is 1:00am. I tried to sleep, but I just couldn't doze off. I gave up, so here I am. I have a bunch of blog ideas rolling around in my head, but I don't have the energy to compose anything of substance at the moment.

My posts have been sad and dark as of late. That's just where I'm at right now. It is taking every bit of strength I have and every prayer I can muster to get me out of bed this week. However, instead of dwelling on those things, here are a few things that have made me smile (or at least not cry).

• Abigail is becoming so fun and interactively lately. A few days ago, I let her play on the floor while I went to let the dog outside. I came back into the room, and somehow she had managed to roll over to the stereo, turn on the radio and open both cassette tape decks. I know she likes music, but I had no idea she was so serious about it.
  
  
• I've gotten lots of great emails from friends lately. It has been encouraging even though I haven't gotten around to writing most of them back.
  
  
• Watching Abigail & Samson play has been cracking me up. He loves to give her kisses, and she squeals for more.

I can't really think of anything else right now....No funny stories as of late. However, I did come across this picture. It is one of my favorites, and it always makes me laugh

Well, I should end this ridiculous post and just go to sleep...maybe after and midnight snack.

April 1st

Five years ago today, was one of the happiest days of my life. After a quiet little Italian dinner, Jason asked me to marry him (the story), and I cried tears of joy.

Five years later, once again April 1st brought tears to my eyes. This time there was no romantic Italian dinner, only a Subway sandwich alone if front the the TV. No tears of joy, only tears of disappointment and pain. No Jason.