Confession

Usually I'm not much of a TV watcher, but since Jason died, I've been watching it more often. However a month or two ago, my sister got me hooked on watching Korean TV dramas online. Since, I started watching them, I don't even want to admit how many hours I've wasted in front of the computer. I've fallen behind in my housework. I haven't started any new projects. I rarely leave my house in the evenings. I stay up way too late, way too often. I haven't read a book or wrote a meaningful email in a long time. I think it actually has become an addiction.

The other day I was trying to figure out why I've become addicted, and a sad realization hit me. It is way easier to watch other people living their lives than it is for me to live my own. Right now, my world is pretty small. Since I am fairly new to the community, I don't have very many good friends here. Yes, I know a fair amount of people, but I don't have very many people that I've opened up to and really gotten to know well. It takes so much effort to build new friendships, and I always feel like being a widow, there is an elephant that follows me around and everyone wonders what to say to me...afraid they might upset me or make me sad. It makes for awkward relationships, especially in the initial stages. Aside from not having many friends, I have mostly been working from home lately, so some days I don't even leave my house. I can go three or four days without seeing anyone but my two year old and maybe one of my two co-workers. Needless to say, my life is kind of lonely right now, and not filled with very many relationships of any kind.

Therefore, it is easy to crave the kind of relationships I see in these dramas. People surrounded by family and friends, and while their lives maybe kind of crazy, they are connected to each other and fun things are happening. Every time I finish watching a drama series, I feel a little bit bereft because all of a sudden these people I've spent hours watching are now gone from my life. Their stories are over, and I no longer have a connection to them. However, I still love to watch them, because I know that no matter how tough things look they always have a happy ending in the dramas. Couples fall in love and tough stuff usually comes to a resolution.

So where does that leave me....I'm feeling convicted about living my life vicariously instead authentically engaging other people. However, I'm also feeling, tired, lonely and not quite ready to put forth the effort to start pouring into people because I know it will be hard. It is far easier to watch other people struggle through the ups and downs of relationships than to struggle through them myself. Although, right now I feel like I am wasting my time and my life away. Whereas, if I was actually pouring into real people, I know I wouldn't feel that way at all.

For the most part, whenever I have a realization like this, I am tempted just to beat myself up for my mistakes and continue on in the same direction. I know if Jason were here, he would tell me, "That's great lesson, Honey, but what are you going to do about it?"

Here are my resolutions:
1. Invite someone new over to my house for dinner, or make a plan to meet someone for coffee or dinner
2. Call at least three friends I haven't talked to in a while.
3. Call my counselor tomorrow and make an schedule an appointment that I've been putting off for two months.
4. Limit my TV/drama intake to only the time I'm working out on my treadmill.
5. Plan some sort of outing or event this weekend.
6. Read at least one book in the next two weeks.

Okay, so my list isn't earth shattering, but hopefully it will get me moving in the direction of breaking my addiction and starting/continuing real relationships. If you are reading this, perhaps you can help keep my accountable.