Confession

Usually I'm not much of a TV watcher, but since Jason died, I've been watching it more often. However a month or two ago, my sister got me hooked on watching Korean TV dramas online. Since, I started watching them, I don't even want to admit how many hours I've wasted in front of the computer. I've fallen behind in my housework. I haven't started any new projects. I rarely leave my house in the evenings. I stay up way too late, way too often. I haven't read a book or wrote a meaningful email in a long time. I think it actually has become an addiction.

The other day I was trying to figure out why I've become addicted, and a sad realization hit me. It is way easier to watch other people living their lives than it is for me to live my own. Right now, my world is pretty small. Since I am fairly new to the community, I don't have very many good friends here. Yes, I know a fair amount of people, but I don't have very many people that I've opened up to and really gotten to know well. It takes so much effort to build new friendships, and I always feel like being a widow, there is an elephant that follows me around and everyone wonders what to say to me...afraid they might upset me or make me sad. It makes for awkward relationships, especially in the initial stages. Aside from not having many friends, I have mostly been working from home lately, so some days I don't even leave my house. I can go three or four days without seeing anyone but my two year old and maybe one of my two co-workers. Needless to say, my life is kind of lonely right now, and not filled with very many relationships of any kind.

Therefore, it is easy to crave the kind of relationships I see in these dramas. People surrounded by family and friends, and while their lives maybe kind of crazy, they are connected to each other and fun things are happening. Every time I finish watching a drama series, I feel a little bit bereft because all of a sudden these people I've spent hours watching are now gone from my life. Their stories are over, and I no longer have a connection to them. However, I still love to watch them, because I know that no matter how tough things look they always have a happy ending in the dramas. Couples fall in love and tough stuff usually comes to a resolution.

So where does that leave me....I'm feeling convicted about living my life vicariously instead authentically engaging other people. However, I'm also feeling, tired, lonely and not quite ready to put forth the effort to start pouring into people because I know it will be hard. It is far easier to watch other people struggle through the ups and downs of relationships than to struggle through them myself. Although, right now I feel like I am wasting my time and my life away. Whereas, if I was actually pouring into real people, I know I wouldn't feel that way at all.

For the most part, whenever I have a realization like this, I am tempted just to beat myself up for my mistakes and continue on in the same direction. I know if Jason were here, he would tell me, "That's great lesson, Honey, but what are you going to do about it?"

Here are my resolutions:
1. Invite someone new over to my house for dinner, or make a plan to meet someone for coffee or dinner
2. Call at least three friends I haven't talked to in a while.
3. Call my counselor tomorrow and make an schedule an appointment that I've been putting off for two months.
4. Limit my TV/drama intake to only the time I'm working out on my treadmill.
5. Plan some sort of outing or event this weekend.
6. Read at least one book in the next two weeks.

Okay, so my list isn't earth shattering, but hopefully it will get me moving in the direction of breaking my addiction and starting/continuing real relationships. If you are reading this, perhaps you can help keep my accountable.

Abigail's Birthday

I'm only about a month late with this, but for those of you not on Facebook, here is a little video we made on the day my baby girl turned two.

Writer's Block

I haven't written any blog posts for about six months. While I'm not much of a writer, I still have been suffering from writer's block. At first, I just blamed it on being busy, but the longer I didn't write the harder it became for me to sit down and write. After taking time off, it is kind of intimidating to start blogging again. So much has happened in the last six months, but I don't even know where to start.

Not only have I've been suffering from writer's block on my blog, I kind of feel like it is plaguing my entire life. I've found myself ignoring emails, avoiding writing prayer/support letters, struggling to find words to write on projects for work, and avoiding facebook chats and long messages. I'm not even journaling.

In addition to avoiding written words, I have also been avoiding verbal communication. For the most part, I've barely called anyone on the telephone. I've been blaming it on the spotty cell phone reception at my house and the fact that no one really calls me unless I call them first, but truthfully I think I'm just avoiding connecting with people. When I do talk to people, I keep it pretty light and short. Since I'm still relatively new to the community, I haven't developed many deep local friendships, so I don't even have that many face to face conversations. Sometimes the only people I talk to all day long are Abigail, and maybe one of my two co-workers.

Overall, there is has been a lack of words in my life the last couple of months. It is starting to wear on me a little bit, and I'm feeling lonely. I know I'm the only one to blame, since I haven't made an effort. So this is blog post is an attempt to break the silence and perhaps combat the plague of writer's block.

I kind of feel silly even posting this, but perhaps putting something out there it better than continuing in silence. Besides I doubt anyone even reads my blog anymore due to my silence.

Recent Pictures

I've haven't posted any pictures in a while, so here are a few.

Recent Craftiness

Recently, I've been a bit more crafty than normal. A few weeks ago, I made a wall hanging for Abigail's room. I got the idea from a kids decor magazine. I think it turned out pretty cute, and it wasn't too difficult.
When I was in Denver last week, I decided to make some curtains for Abigail's room. My Aunt Carolyn helped out with the sewing. I think they turned out cuter than anything I could find in the stores. Thanks Carolyn.

Abigailisms

At 17 months, Abigail is getting into everything and becoming more of a character every day. Recently, she had been cracking me up. Here are a few examples:

• This morning, I was getting Abigail ready to go to MOPS. As I was holding her and pulling a cute little sweater out of the closet for her to wear, she looked at me and said, "No, no, Mommy." Then she pulled a little denim dress out of the closet and said, "Please." Of course I gave in an let her wear the dress. Watch out world...my 17 month old wants to dress herself. I'm in trouble!
  


• Lately, Abigail has really been into putting things on her head. If she finds a washcloth, the first thing does is put it on her head and parade around the house like she is wearing the most beautiful hat. Not only is she putting washcloths on her head, she's been digging through my dirty laundry pile and putting clothes over her head so they cover her eyes. Then she is toddling around the room at full speed until she trips over or bumps into something and falls down. She will squeal with delight and just do it over and over. I definitely think I have a thrill seeker on my hands.



• The last couple of nights, Abigail has had a cough. I've been letting her sleep with me, so I can keep an eye on her. Twice I've caught her talking in her sleep. Guess was she says....She says, "please" over and over again.



• Last week I found the TV remote on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. I know I didn't put it there.



• Her new phrase is "Okie dokie."



• I had a meeting at a coffee shop last week. Abigail was getting bored, so I let her play with her diaper bag. She pulled out her diaper ointment called "Butt Paste" and gave it to guy that I've never met before a the next table.

Ah...my little love keeps me on my toes and with a smile on my face.

My Favorite Valentines' Day

Jason was one of the sweetest, most thoughtful and creative guys in the world. He always came up with fun creative ways to surprise and pamper me. This morning, I was thinking about my favorite Valentines' Day.

The year we were dating, Jason invited me to his apartment after work. I really had no idea what to expect because when Jason had asked me what I wanted to do for Valentines' Day, I'd told him that I wanted to go see Fiddler on the Roof at the local playhouse. He said he thought that would be fun, but he didn't have a lot of money because he had recently had some major car repairs (aka...he was saving for an engagement ring).

When I arrived at his apartment I discovered a vase with a rose surrounded by candles on the front porch. Next to the vase sat a card. Inside the card was a poem that Jason had written for me about how hearts change when a boy meets a girl. At the end of the poem there was a note telling to me knock once and then enter.

When I open the door, I discovered Jason sitting on top of the kitchen cabinets and the wall between the living room and the kitchen. Wearing overalls and a crazy hat with a wig, he was trying to play Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star on our friend's kid's violin. It was absolutely ridiculous! He told me he was my "Fiddler on the Cabinets!"

After I finished laughing at him, he climbed down and we watched the Fiddler on the Roof movie he'd rented. Very creative and fun! Way more memorable than going to the real show.