Doing The Next Thing

I feel like I have been moving in slow motion lately. I've been working on a project that normally would have taken me three hours tops, but I started it last Wednesday. I'm still not finished. I am kind of getting frustrated that it is taking me so long, but apparently not frustrated enough that I make the sacrifices to finish the work.

Last night, I had big plans to get the fireplace room primed and ready to paint. However, as I started looking at it, I realized how much effort it was going to take for me to haul paint up and down the 10 ft scaffolding all by myself. As I was getting ready to get started, Abigail got really fussy and attention was the only thing that improved her mood. My lack of motivation compounded by Abigail's mood caused me to give up before I even got started.

Since we are cooped up in the office all day long, I decided to put Abigail in the stroller and go for a walk instead. After our walk, we rolled around on the floor and played with toys for about an hour before Abigail's bedtime. Originally my plan was to finish working after she went to bed, but I just couldn't summon the energy.

Later in the evening, I started processing why I just can get it together to finish anything. For one thing Abigail is getting pretty mobile, and I can't really leave her alone to play. Plus, I always feel bad for her because she is stuck in the office with me all day, and little girls need space to roll around and play. Secondly, I think this grieving process is sapping more of my energy than I realize. It takes me so much more mental strength and stamina to get through the day. Finally, I realized that things take me so much longer because I don't really want to do them without Jason. Especially working on the house. It was our project together, and I just don't want to do it alone.

Truthfully, I am mentally and physically tired, and I am trying not to stress out about how busy the next few weeks are going to be. Maybe I just need to focus on one thing at a time. In the study I am doing on grief they recommend "just doing the next thing." So I guess right now that means getting out of bed, taking a shower, and going to the office. (Oops, I guess I am looking too far ahead because that's three things.)