Answered Prayer

For those of you who keep up with my blog, you probably know that I quit my job last week. As of January 19, I was planning to be homeless and jobless. However, that may be changing. Yesterday, I received a call from my friend Tim. He works at Cross Bar X Youth Ranch in Durango, CO. We have been talking about the possibility of Cross Bar X hiring me to work to work in their office, develop their off-season retreat program, and work with their horses among other things. Basically, they want to create a new position to handle many of the tasks that their current team doesn't have the time to handle. However, they need board approval to create the position. Yesterday, Tim informed me that their board approved the position and they are flying me to Durango for an interview the first week of January. If everything goes well, I hope to be able to move my stuff directly from my house in TN to Durango in mid January, and start work at Cross Bar X by the end of Jan. I will be able to live in a house on the camp property and work full-time for the ministry.

This is a huge answer to prayer!!! I need to be out of my TN house in mid-Jan. I was kind of planning to put my stuff into storage and move in with my parents until I could figure out what is next for me. Now, it looks like I may be able to transition to the next step of my life a little bit easier and more smoothly. Praise the Lord and thank you for your prayers my friends!!!

Stress, Procrastination and Cute Pictures

This year, I discovered that when I am under stress, I tend to procrastinate. When my to do list seems overwhelming, instead of tackling it, I do something else (or nothing at all). I know I am moving in slightly over a month, but since I'm still not exactly sure how or where, I haven't started packing. I know I am going to be living out of boxes for a while, and I don't want to prolong the boxes. In the midst of all of the turmoil in my life, I long for stability, so I've been pretending everything is normal instead of preparing for change. Case in point, this weekend, I played with Abigail, bought and made Christmas presents, sat in front the fire, and watched Christmas movies. I wasted a lot of time!

As soon as I found out I could stay in my home 30 days after closing, I put up my Christmas tree and nativity set. I know I should have skipped it, especially since we are not even going to be here for Christmas. For me decorations are a sign of celebration and stability, and I decided that was more important than packing and organizing. I have to say that I am enjoying my decorations. I'm thankful that my friends Jenna and Katherine helped me set them up because I think I would have blubbered through the whole process if I had to do it alone. Plus, I got some super cute pictures of Abigail "helping."

Homeless and Jobless

On Monday morning, I took the big plunge and submitted my letter of resignation at work. As of January 16th, I will no longer be employed by CP. After almost 7 years of pouring my heart and soul into the ministry, I know I'll miss it. However, I think I made the right decision...I hope. For a few of you this may come as a shock. For those of you that have been in contact with me recently, you know I've been wrestling with my next step.

While the internet is probably not the best place to go into all of my reasons for resigning, here are a few of the main ones:

• CP is just not the same without Jason. As long as I have been at CP, I've been serving with Jason, and it breaks my heart that he isn't here.


• I have lost a lot of my passion and vision for CP. While I still love the ministry, I just don't have the energy, passion, and vision to move forward.


• The office is moving to a Wilmore, KY about three hours away. If I want to stay with CP, I will need to move as well. I know that my days at CP are numbered, so it seems ridiculous to move my life to Wilmore, only to have to move again in eight months.


• The shear work involved to move operations from TN to KY before next summer seems overwhelming and intimidating to me. I'm already exhausted, and the big push of the move has not yet happened.


• Since Jason died almost a year ago, I've had to jump in and take over the reins to keep the day to day operations going. I have been so busy keeping things rolling that I don't feel like I have had time or space to really deal with my grief.


• Since my only coworker lives in KY, I have been working all alone in the big empty office the past four months. It has been lonely, discouraging and depressing. I rarely see another person all day long, and I don’t think it is healthy for me to be alone so much right now. I need to be surrounded by other people and feel like I’m not alone in every aspect of my life. I desire to be part of team working toward a common goal.


• I believe that CP will be better off, if they find passionate, energetic people to take my place.

So now you are probably wondering what my next step is. The truth is that your guess is as good as mine. I have a few potential job situations. I am really excited about one possibility, but realistically it might now pan out.

In the meantime, I need to be out of my house in TN on Jan 19th. At this point, I’m planning to put most of our stuff in storage and move in to my parents’ house temporarily until my next step becomes clear.

This was an extremely difficult decision for me. I wanted to be able to step directly from one job and house to the next, but I guess life doesn’t always work out the way you hope. While I am grateful that I have family and friends to fall back on, it is a blow to my pride.

I know I am in a unique and temporary situation. I still struggle with the fact that I am almost 30 with a child in tow, and I am moving back in with my parents. I haven’t lived with my parents since I was seventeen. Financially, I could rent an apartment or house, but it seems foolish to waste the time and money when I have no idea when and where I am going next.

I usually consider myself a fairly adventurous person, but with all of the trauma and transition I’ve had to face in the last year, I am craving stability, security and routine. Instead of moving in that direction, my life is becoming more unstable, less secure and anything but routine. What a wild, crazy, ride! I’m holding on (to God) for dear life.

Bittersweet News

Okay here's my big news...Monday, I received an acceptable offer on my Crossville house, and I am the process of signing a contract with the potential buyers. Thankfully, the offer was not from the people with the three-week time frame, so I am looking at a closing date around December 15. That gives me one month to figure out what is next and make a move.

While having a contract on my home is a bit of a relief, I definitely have mixed feelings about it. After I found out about the deal I came home and balled my eyes out. I've always known this day would come, but now that it is here it is still difficult.

Jason and I put so much time energy and effort into this place, it going to be hard to leave it. We never planned to stay in this house; it was always going to be our fix it up and sell it for a profit house. (Unfortunately with the crummy market, the profit is not as much as I'd hoped for, but sometimes you just have to take what you can get.) Plus, I don't really want to stay in Crossville, so I know I have to sell the house.

Part of the reason I'm so on edge about the sale is because I don't know what is next or where I will be living in a month. I know I am needed and wanted at CP, but I feel lonely, tired, frustrated and burned out CP. The thought of moving my personal life alone with all of the work of moving the ministry to a new state is daunting and exhausting. I'm not sure I have the energy, drive and passion to thrive in such transition.

I have also been waiting to hear back about a few other job opportunities. I applied to two camps in Texas. One is definitely out, and I haven't heard anything from the other one. I'm not too hopeful. I also was really excited about another job op in CO, but I recently found out that while there is still a slim chance, it looks like they are planning to move in a different direction. (I was pretty bummed about it, but once again, it wasn't completely unexpected.)

Several friends have offered to open their homes to me while I figure out where I want to go, and what I want to do next. I'm extremely grateful for their offers. However, I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the idea of quiting a full-time job with somewhat flexible hours, tons of vacation and benefits where I know I am wanted and could be extremely helpful during a difficult time. It seems crazy to step away from that into unemployment or part time work while living indefinitely with friends or family. Accepting one of my friends' offers has the potential of being a time of healing and rest, but the uncertainty of moving with no job or concrete plans seems foolish in these uncertain economic times.

I think a lot of it comes down to pride and self-sufficiency. I want to be a mom who can financial take care of her family and provide a stable, loving home. I am not sure I am ready to take a leap of faith into the complete unknown at this point. While I know I have friends and family who will support me and take care of me if I need them to, my pride makes me hesitant to be dependent on them when I know I could take care of myself and Abigail. (Pride rears its ugly head...)

I know God is still on His throne and has a plan to give me hope and a future. However hope seems far away, and I am having a hard time discerning which direction to turn at the moment. I know it is not realistic, but I want a smooth, paved road with flashing neon lights.

All this to say....I'm thankful that I have buyers for my house, and I'm still uncertain about the future but leaning towards moving to KY with CP because I feel like the other doors are closing.

I Should Have Known Better

Yesterday, I wrote a post about how my life feels stuck in a holding pattern. I guess I should have thought twice before publishing those thoughts because yesterday brought an interesting turn of events. (I guess it is kind of like praying for patience. If you pray for it, you better be ready.) Anyway, nothing is set in the stone, but my house has been generating a lot more interest lately. I've had 5 showings in 6 days. Late yesterday afternoon, my realtor called me. She said that she a family interested in making an offer, but they need to take possession in three weeks. She asked if that was even an option. I told her it could be a possibility for the right price.

I am not sure if I could make that happen or not at this point. Three weeks from now, I have to be at our biggest tradeshow of the year for CP, and it is a four-day event. It is always a bit busy getting things ready for it, not to mention the fact that I will be gone for four days. Plus, there is this little issue of not having anywhere to move. I had originally planned to close on a house in KY next week. If I had stuck to my plan, being out in three weeks would not have been such a big deal.

The fact that I am still not sure if I want to stay with CP or if I am going to pursue something else drastically affects my moving process. I have a lead on something I am excited about, but I won't even know if it is a possibility until the end of the month. All that to say, at this point I have no idea where I would go if my house sells in three weeks.

Now I am hoping that the offer won't work out, or God opens some semi-truck doors in the near future.

Crying baby...gotta go.

Holding Pattern

Have you ever been on a flight where you are almost to your destination, and you end up stuck in a holding pattern. You're flying around in circles until whatever is holding up the process clears and you can safely land. You think about taking out a book or starting a conversation with someone next to you, but it seems kind of pointless. You know that shortly you'll have to put away your book or end your conversation, so you doubt that it is even worth the effort. Your mind skips ahead to the moment when your plane lands. You know you will be busy hitting the bathroom, finding your luggage or your connecting flight, figuring out your transportation or wondering if the person meeting you will be there when you arrive. Then your mind jumps even further ahead; you begin to think about your vacation/business meetings/homecoming. As you fly around in circles, you have nothing to do but think, plan, wondering and worry. You're not sure how long you will be stuck in the holding pattern. It could be two minutes or two hours...you just don't know.

Right now, my life feels like it is stuck in a holding pattern. I know that in a few weeks or months I will be packing up my whole life and moving. At this point, I'm not 100% where or when, but I know a flurry of activity is on the horizon. In the meantime, I'm feeling kind of lethargic and apathetic. It seems ridiculous to get involved in anything new or spend time pouring energy and effort into new friendships when I know I'm going to be leaving soon. I don't think I should start packing because the house is still on the market, and I don't want to try and keep it clean and organized while living out of boxes. While I know there are tons of little things I could and should be doing, I don't really want to do them. So I fill my days with my solitary work routine, playing with Abigail and keeping the house picked up. I should pick up a good book, but I don't want to have to think; I just want to be entertained. Therefore, I watch too many movies and lay around the house way too much. As I sit here waiting with nothing to do but think, wonder and worry, I hope I don't get into a pattern of spending my whole life wondering about the future and forgetting to live in the moment.

Mommy I Can Do It By Myself

Lately Abigail has been asserting her independence. She is become more of a toddler and less of a baby. Here are a few recent pics.

Time Changes and Changing Times

I used to like time changes until I moved to Tennessee and had a baby. I know we are supposed to like fall time changes because it means an extra hour of sleep, but I am not a fan! The last two mornings, Abigail awoke at 5:30 am. I know her internal clock says it is really 6:30 am, which means time to get up. However, the fact that my alarm clock says 5:30 makes me want to hurl it across the room, crawl back under the covers, turn off the monitor and pretend I don’t hear Abigail screaming for attention.

Not only do I dislike the way the time changes affect the mornings, I also hate the way they affect the evenings in TN. Crossville is the farthest east county in the Central Time Zone. That means that it gets dark an hour earlier in Crossville than it does in a town only 10 minutes away. Since the time change, it has been getting dark at 5:00pm. I know it has to get worse before it gets better. In December, it is pitch black outside by 4:15pm. For a girl who really likes the sunshine and playing outside, the fall time change is depressing.

Well, enough complaining about a change I can’t do anything about; let me fill you in on the many other changes in our lives. During the summer, I decided to continue working at CP for another year and make the move to Kentucky when the office moved this winter. I even found a house I liked in Wilmore and signed a contract. While this decision seemed to make a lot of sense, I have never had peace about it.

Several weeks ago, I was checking my email, when I discovered another Christian Camp in Texas was looking for a full-time Retreat Coordinator. Something about the ad resonated with me, so I decided to throw my name in the hat and see what happens. After filling out that application, I realized that I think that it is time for me to leave CP. As much as I love CP and know I have a lot to contribute during this time of transition, my heart just isn’t in it. Jason and I always ministered together at CP and is just isn’t the same without him. Plus, I don’t think it is healthy for me to go into the office and work all by myself for days and weeks on end. It is extremely lonely, and I need to work with other people right now. I need their passion and encouragement to rub off on me. I am tired of feeling the weight of CP on my shoulders, and I dread all the work and details involved in CP’s move to KY.

Truthfully, I feel bad that my commitment to CP is waning right now, but I think I need to take care of myself at this point. Lately, I can feel myself slipping back into depression. I am dispassionate, exhausted and apathetic. I miss Jason like crazy this month. My tears are coming more frequently instead of less frequently, and I feel like I am entering a whole new stage of the grieving process. I thought it was supposed to get easier with time, but it seems to be getting more difficult for me lately.

All of these doubts led me to cancel the contract on the house I was going to buy in Kentucky. I felt horrible going back on my promise, but I feel peace about the decision.

So what does this all mean? I’m not sure at the moment. After much prayer, I applied for a couple more camp jobs. I am also excited about one possibility that has come to my attention recently. In the meantime, I am planning on working at CP at least through the end of the year. I may decide to stay on and move to KY with the ministry in January, but truthfully, I think I will probably continue to explore other options.

I definitely covet your prayers right now, and if anyone has any ideas for my future, I’d love to hear about them.

Cute Little Duckling

Today, Abigail tried on her Halloween costume that I bought for $2 on clearance last Thanksgiving. Isn't she a cute duckling?

CP News

If you want to find out what is new at Confrontation Point, and you haven't already received the CP Newsletter via email or Facebook. You can check it out!www.confrontationpoint.org/publications/Fall_2008.pdf

Jealousy

I don't normally think of myself as a jealous person. Overall, I am usually fairly content with my lot in life. However, lately I've been struggling with feelings of jealousy.

I first noticed it several weeks ago. I was in a coffee shop working via their wireless connection. At the next table, four moms with young children were chatting and having some Bible Study and prayer time. From the little bit of their conversation I overheard, I gathered that they were stay at home moms enjoying their weekly girl time. I was jealous that I had to spend my morning working.

Since that moment I have noticed feeling of jealousy creeping in. It usually happens when I see dads playing with their children or couples holding hands. When I hear songs on the radio about Daddy's little girls growing up, I have to change the station.

Recently, I found out that several of my friends are expecting their second and third children. I am happy and excited for them, but I am also a little jealous. Jason and I wanted a medium to large size family that was fairly close in age. We even hoped that I would be pregnant again by now. I glad my friends are building their families, and I know they will have struggles with multiple young children that I won't have to face, but still...I wish it were me.

As of September, my friend Jenna has been living with me and taking care of Abigail while I am at work. I like to call her the Nanny! I love Jenna, and her willingness to help me out, but I am jealous that she gets to spend all day with my little girl while I have to go work to support our family. I wanted to be the one to raise and care for my daughter.

I know that all of the people I am jealous of have their own set of issues and struggles. I also know that I have been blessed in tons of other ways. Even though Jason and I had four and a half great years of marriage, it is kind of hard for me not to feel cheated out of another 44 years. I am just praying jealousy doesn't overwhelm me. I don't want to become a bitter, self-centered woman, always wishing and longing for something else.

I know that godliness with contentment is great gain, but I'm struggling with the contentment part right now. (I struggle with the godliness part all the time).

My New House In Wilmore

Here is a short slideshow of the house I am planning to buy in Wilmore. Unfortunately, the battery on my camera died, so I didn't get very many pictures.

Little Pumpkin

A Cup of Coffee On Saturday Morning

This is the first time in ages that I've had a lazy Saturday morning, and I am loving it. Abigail, woke up at about 6:30 am ready to go for the day, and I couldn't persuade her to go back to sleep. However after a little breakfast, she is as happy as a clam to scoot around the room playing with her wooden blocks, magnets, and Little Mermaid Cell phone. Her ability to entertain herself is allowing me some leisurely time to snuggle in my favorite chair with my cup of coffee and take a deep breath.

After five months of busy Saturday mornings, I am relishing every moment! (Okay, the second after I finished typing that sentence, the dog started barking at a neighbor. I went to call him, and when I returned I discovered that Abigail had scooted under the end table and couldn't figure out to get free. After freeing and comforting her, I am back.)

I don't have tons to say this morning because I am just trying to relax and forget about all of the big life decisions and details that are hanging over my head. Fall is in the air and I am kind of excited for the changing season and a bit homesick for the farm. Every year for the past six years, I have been in Iowa in October for harvest. Jason always loved driving the combine and working with Dad in the cool fall weather. We both enjoyed a week or two of family, fun, and farm life.

Today, I don't have a huge list of things that I have to accomplish immediately, so I am contemplating taking bit of a leisurely day. I think Jenna and I might even take Abigail to a local pumpkin patch and corn maze, which is a close as we can get to fall on the farm in Crossville. I'm sure it can't begin to compare to going to Vala's in Gretna, NE with my brother's family, but hopefully, it will at least provide some good fall photo opps with Abigail.

A relaxing cup of coffee always make me think and evaluate my life. Currently, I have been so busy with all of the crazy changes in my life that I haven't even taken the time to reflect. Lately I have been missing Jason like crazy. I miss having him to bounce ideas off of help me make decisions. I miss snuggling under the covers and on cool fall mornings. I just miss sharing life.

I don't know if missing him hurts more or less than it used to. I think the grief has changed a little bit as the reality of him being gone forever sets in. I know I have to keep moving forward and taking the next step. However, with all of the big changes of life and work (selling and buying houses and cars, moving to a new town in a new state, new job responsibilities and co-workers, life with a toddler, tons of traveling)I am reeling and wishing that at least one thing in my life would remain the same.

The other day one of my acquaintances asked me, if I had started dating again. I'm sure I gave her the most incredulous look. My mind can't even begin to grasp the concept of dating again. I still feel like I am married, and I'm definitely not even thinking along those lines. Her question caught me off guard, and I gave her some sort of vague negative answer. However, I was kind of frustrated with question from acquaintance. What gives people the right to think that they could or should ask questions like that so soon after the death of my nearest and dearest friend and companion?

Okay, I should I just finished the last sip coffee, so I should quit rambling and start my day.

Before & After

After three long years of gutting and remodeling, our home is finally completed. Several of you have been bugging me for pictures of the changes. Unfortunately, we did not get very many before pictures, but I did put together a slideshow with some of our pictures. You can check it out my previous post(Before Remodeling).

If you want to see the finished project you can check out the Welcome To My Home link below. (If you scroll about halfway down the page, you can take a "virtual" tour.)

Welcome To My Home

Before Remodeling

Tilt-A-Whirl Life

Have you ever ridden on a tilt-a-whirl at a fair or amusement park? At first glance, a tilt-a-whirl looks like a tame ride, especially in our world of crazy six-story roller coasters. Sometimes to throw you off, and make you feel secure, they make cars in innocuous shapes like teacups. However, if you’ve ever ridden one, you know that as the ride revolves, certain sections of the platform are raised and lowered causing the cars to spin randomly. You never know which way your car is going to spin. One minute you could be spinning one way, and the next minute you're spinning like crazy in a completely different direction. Unlike the predictable roller coaster, every ride is unique as you whirl chaotically.

The last few weeks and months my life has been one gigantic tilt-a-whirl ride. I feel like my world has been spinning faster and faster, and as soon as I finally adjust to a spin pattern, all of sudden I’m careening in a completely different direction at breakneck speeds.

Since everything is whirling by so quickly, here are a few bullet point highlights since my last real update on August 28th.

• I signed a contract on a house in Wilmore, KY. I am supposed to close on November 15.


• Abigail turned one, and we had an impromptu party in Wisconsin with some of my college friends.


• Abigail is still not walking, but her butt scoot is hilarious. (See video below).


• I survived my 5 year anniversary, by working myself to exhaustion finishing all of my landscaping projects.


• I frantically finished up most of the projects around the house, and officially put my Crossville home on the market last Wednesday.


• Abigail had her first horseback ride, and she loved it. Hopefully, I'll have a little horse-lover on my hands.


• My friend Jenna is living with me. She is Abigail’s nanny while I am at work. While I love Jenna and all of her help, it is taking me a bit of time to get used to sharing my home again.


• Some days I am excited about my new home. Other days I regret spending more money than I planned to spend on a larger home than really wanted.


• I got to see some of Jason’s best friends when I was in Wisconsin. I was a little apprehensive about it, but it turned out to be so good for me just to spend time with people who know and love Jason.


• We spent a whirlwind weekend and Jason’s mom house in North Carolina. Abigail was spoiled rotten by her Nana, Aunt Jessie and Cousin Tyler.


• I think I have gained about eight pounds due to stress, poor eating, and lack of exercise.


• While I was at a wedding, I caught this nasty, super-contagious flu bug, which I brought home and spread to Jenna and one of my friends. (Unfortunately the bride and groom also caught the bug.)


• I bought a new bedspread and finally moved back into the master bedroom. It is sooooo good to be back in my own bed again.


• I went my first wedding in a river, and I have to say that it was probably the most beautiful wedding I’ve ever attended.


• If you call me, Abigail might say “hi” and “bye-bye” to you. She is starting to get the hang of talking on the phone.


• I am excited about my new house being across the street from a park within walking distance of most everything in town.


• I’ve decided that rich, disrespectful, private school eighth graders and not my favorite.


• Abigail has started throwing all of the food she doesn’t want on the floor for Samson.


• Over Labor Day Weekend I went to four picnic/potlucks in three days.


• I’ve started making my bed every morning…it actually feels good and makes me more motivated to keep the rest of the house tidy.


• White Chicken Chili is one of my comfort foods.


• I’ve been keeping myself so busy lately that I haven’t been taking much time to think, process, and mourn.


• Last week, I thought my car with 180,000 miles died for good. Thankfully, $133 and new speed sensor later, I am back on the road again. However, I am still kind of shopping around for a more dependable, lower mileage car.


• I hate being in a huge office all by myself for days on end, so I have started working from home once or twice a week.


• Abigail’s favorite phrase is “Oh Yeah!” She probably says it 100 times a day.

Whew! That was a lot of random bullet points. However, I think my tilt-a-whirl life should be slowing down slightly next month. Although with my current house on the market and my impending move to Wilmore, perhaps it just a short calm before whipping me in another direction.

Butt Scootin' Baby

Even though Abigail is now a year old, she is not yet crawling. However, she is getting around by scooting on her butt. I think it is hilarious, so I decided to post a little video for those of you not able to witness her antics first hand.

Birthday Girl

Post Vacation Slump

Well, I am back from a two week vacation. I spent the first week in Phoenix hanging out with a couple of my cousins. Overall a pretty relaxed week. Most of our time was dedicated to swimming, holding the new baby, and watching Olympics. My cousin Angie and I also found the most amazing coffee shop, so every day we walked 3 miles to get our coffee fix. Nothing earth shattering happened, but it was great just to relax with family.

Week number two we flew to Denver and spent a whirlwind trip visiting college friends and my Aunt Carolyn. Once again nothing major happened, but it was just good to be with good friends. My time in Denver was more difficult, because I was seriously missing Jason. Jason and I met in college in Denver, so even though we didn't date at that point, I still have tons of memories of him. Probably the most difficult day was the day, I stopped by CCU, my old college campus, and said hello to a few people I still know seven years later. I was constantly thinking about Jason.

My time in Colorado really made me miss living out west. I love the Rocky Mountains, and I think I would like to live out there again someday. I'm not sure if I will be able to afford it, but I think that I might start pursuing some job opps out west in the near future.

Abigail and I flew home on my birthday, because Tuesday is the cheapest day to fly (and my Dutch heritage keeps me a thrifty as possible.) It pretty much sucked (pardon my language, but I can't think of a better word) to come home to an empty house on my birthday. I have never been a huge birthday person, but Jason knew how much I secretly like people to make a big deal about holidays so he always did something to spoil me and make it super special.

I think the thing that made me the most depressed about coming home was the fact that when I woke up on Wednesday morning, I looked out in my backyard and discovered that while I was on vacation, someone started clearing the lot behind my house. I am no long surrounded by trees. Soon my beautiful new windows will overlook an ugly spec house, and it won't even feel like I live in the woods anymore. Grrr... (I know I am selling the house anyway, but I still hate it!)

Truthfully, vacation was great, but coming home is so hard, I'm not sure it was worth it. Being home makes the reality of life and its responsibilities hit me. Everything is changing so fast, and I am not sure I am ready for it.

For those of you who don't know; let me bring you up to date. This summer Confrontation Point (CP)hired a new Executive Director, Andy Bathje, to replace Jason. As part of the hiring process, the Board of Director decided to move CP's headquarters to Wilmore, KY where Andy currently lives. While the decision was complicated, it is a great opportunity for CP, and I believe that Andy will be an great leader of the ministry. However, it sucks for me. I either need to uproot my whole life and move to Kentucky, or I need to quit working at CP and figure out what is next for me. Either way, it involves a major life change for me.

After some prayer and a lot of practical reasoning, I decided to continue working at CP for at least one more year and move to Kentucky for now. I originally thought that the transition would happen slowly over the next six months to a year. However, things seems to be moving more quickly than anticipated. In fact, I am going to Wilmore, KY over Labor Day to start looking for a house.

The other day one of my friends commented that I am strong, independent, and I seem to be fine with the craziness of my life right now. The truth is I really am not okay. I am pretty much overwhelmed by everything. My parents still live in the same house where I was born and Jason and I kept our possessions to a minimum until we moved into this house, so I have never done a big whole house move before. I'm not really looking forward to it. In addition, I'm not too excited about starting over again. I am not the most open and social person, so it takes me a while to open up to people and make close friends. In fact, I lived in Crossville for four years before I really started to make friends and feel at home here. (While I want to believe that I am little miss adventurous world traveler, I kind of feel paralyzed by the thought of moving and the whole process of buying, selling, and moving houses not to mention moving everything for the ministry).

Okay, this post is kind of disintegrating into fear and complaining, so I should stop before everyone is as depressed as I am at the moment. If anyone is actually still reading this, I could definitely use your prayers the month of September. I think it is going to be and extremely difficult month. I will be finishing up a few things, and putting my house on the market. It is also a month of special holidays and traveling. Next week is Abigail's 1st Birthday, and Sept 20th would have been Jason and my five year anniversary. In addition, I am attending three weddings this month, and also visiting Jason's mom for the first time since the funeral. When I am home, I will be working alone at the office, since Andy is mostly working from Kentucky and we currently don't have anyone else on full time staff. I am also mourning the fact that I was originally planning to quit working and stay home will Abigail starting Sept 1st. I've got lots of stuff on my mind, so if I happen to cross your mind this month pray for me.

Vacation Photos

Standing Up

I am not planning to turn this blog into just pictures and stories about Abigail, but I don't have time to give the full update on me at the moment. However, today Abigail stood up by herself for the first time. Grandma and Nanny are far away, so they need to see pictures.

Humpty Dumpty, Transmission Fluid, Skunks and Fireworks

Last week, we lost three months of computer files at work due to a hard drive crash. I’ve been sitting at my computer for at least 13 hours a day for the past three days trying to put the Humpty Dumpty of data back together again.

On top of working crazy hours, this morning, I found a puddle transmission fluid under my car. Two more days and $400 later, hopefully it will be up and running again.

When I got home from work tonight about 9:30pm, I discovered that Samson, my 115 pound Chocolate Lab, got sprayed by a skunk.

After a rather unsuccessful dog bath to get rid of the stench, I finally fell into bed exhausted. To help me fall a sleep, I was going to play a DVD on my laptop. For some reason I can’t get my nearly new laptop to recognize the DVD player that worked great a couple of days ago.

Striking out with the DVD player, I settled for just going to sleep. Just as I was drifting off to dreamland, one of my neighbors decided to set off a ton of fireworks.

So here I am smelling skunk, listening to fireworks, blogging instead of sleeping, and dreading the fact that I have to go into the office tomorrow on my day off to catch up due to the stupid computer hard drive failure.

Summer Pictures

Breaking the Silence

I've been contemplating writing a post for some time. In fact, I think I've started at least five different times, but I've never managed to actually finish a post. Now I've waited so long that I'm a bit intimidated to break the silence. So much has happened in the last two months, I don't even where to start. Perhaps, I can just summarize my last two months, with a series of bullet points instead feeling obligated to write a post about each not so significant event.

• Our summer season started with training on May 10th, and everything has been whirlwind ever since May.
• Abigail learned how to say "Mama"
• CP hired a new Executive Director to take over for Jason.
• You can buy a red, white, and blue mullet wig in Crossville, TN
• I am hoping to put my house on the market around the first of August (Anyone looking for prime real estate in Crossville?)
• I'm addicted to coffee and Gilmore Girls reruns
• My sister visited for two weeks at the beginning of July. Hurray for time with my sweet sister.
• I hate cell phone companies.
• My job and place of residence after the summer are in limbo.
• Crossville still has one of the best fireworks displays ever.
• My parents have spent four weeks of the summer staying with me, watching Abigail, and helping finish my house and landscaping.
• Yesterday I ripped a six inch hole in the butt of my shorts... Yeah, I'm cool.
• I might be moving to Kentucky this fall
• I need a vacation, so I booked plane tickets to Phoenix and Denver in August. I'm going to spend a couple of weeks visiting friends and fam.
• I decided I'm officially crazy because I'm going to Phoenix in August...Can you think of a worse time to visit?
• I'm trying not to think about the fact that next week would have been Jason's 33 birthday.
• We ended up short staffed for the summer, so we've been pulling all kinds of past staff in for a week or two at a time. Overall, a scheduling nightmare.
• I'm dreading the thought of packing of my whole life and moving...especially because I'm not exactly sure where or when....although I'm guessing soon rather than later.
• Abigail and I might go to Korea in October if we can get our passport stuff together.
• Only two more weeks left of summer mission trips...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can make it.
• I still cry myself to sleep at least three nights a week.
• Every Sunday, I get to spend hours making quesadillas. Sometimes, I even wear the world's largest sombrero
• I'm stressed because the computer system crashed at work, and the person Jason always called won't be able to help us for several days, if not a week.
• Abigail, isn't crawling yet, but she does this hilarious butt scooting thing. She can cross a whole room in about 10 seconds.
• Several weeks ago, I was feeling impulsive, so I chopped off 10 inches off of my hair. It's the first time I've had semi -short hair in at least 10 years.
• It's after midnight, so I should go to sleep. I have to leave for work about 6:30 am tomorrow...actually make that today.

Okay, I guess breaking the silence via random bullet points wasn't too bad. Perhaps next time, I'll fill you in on all the really big stuff that is happening in my life.

Of CP and Swimming

For those of you who keep up with my blog, I apologize that I have been silent lately. The last month has been insanely busy as we just completed the training of our summer staff. The days have been long and the nights much shorter than I am accustomed to. I am mentally and physically exhausted, so I am not going to write much tonight, as it is already late.

Last Sunday was the first day of summer mission trips. To celebrate the end of staff training, Abigail and I dressed up in our new CP t-shirts. After all of the staff departed to meet their youth groups, we relaxed at the beach on the lake near our house. It was Abigail's first day swimming, so like every obsessive parent, I documented the day in photographs.

How Abigail Really Felt About Swimming

Prayer Request

I'm not sure anyone will actually read this post this morning, but I thought I would throw it out there anyway. This morning we have a CPR & First Aid recertification class as part of our summer staff training. Unfortunately, my certifications expire this summer, so I have to take the class to remain current. Normally, I don't give the class a second thought since I have been taking CPR classes since I was in Junior High. This time, I'm a bit apprehensive. I'm scared that the class will bring up bad memories of doing CPR on Jason while I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive. I'm just not sure how I will react in the classroom situation, and I really don't want to lose it in front of all of the new staff members. I also am nervous that the class will somehow bring back my recurring nightmares about the night that Jason died. Anyway, if you happen to read this, I could really use your prayers this morning (Tuesday). Actually, I appreciate prayers any time but especially today.

Giving Up

Tonight I decided that I'm officially giving up. I'm not going to write anymore thank you notes for a while, and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Tonight I pulled out my bag to add some names to the list of people I still need to thank, and I discovered that at some point over the last few weeks, my system for keeping track of finished thank you notes broke down. I have no idea who I sent notes to and who I still need to send notes to. This process of writing notes has been hanging over my head for months. Every time I sit down to write, my emotions go haywire, and I always end up drained after only writing a few notes.

At this point, I'm just saying sorry to everyone that did not get a personal note from me. I truly appreciated each and every gift and word of encouragement! So many people gave me so much over the past several months. Someday, I'll have to write a blog post highlighting many of the amazing thoughtful things people have done for me.

The straw that broke the back of my thank you writing camel came in the mail about a month ago. When I got home from work a package was laying by the front door. Upon opening it, I found a bound book with a leather cover. The book was about the size of a high school yearbook. The cover was engraved in gold with the words, "In Memory of Jason Young." As I flipped through the book, I noticed that the first few pages were cheesy poems and words of advice about grieving. The back half was filled with summarized Bible stories and really bad illustrations of a pasty white Jesus in flowing robes. All in all, the book struck me as completely cheesy. I most certainly did not appreciate it, and I doubt if I'll ever look at it again.

Included in the package was a letter from the editor of the book explaining how local businesses had helped sponsor the gift. The letter noted that I should refer to the pages of sponsoring businesses printed in the book. For my convenience the publisher included 15 thank you cards, so I could easily thank all of the businesses for their generous gift to make this book possible. My first thought was, "You've got be kidding me!" Okay, I am a grieving widow, working full time with a small baby. I have a hundred things on my plate, and you want me to take the time and energy to send thank you notes to 15 businesses for a book I don't want and will never use. I have a hundred people I love and care about who have bent over backwards for me, and I don't have the time and energy to properly thank them. What makes you think adding more thank you notes to my list is a good idea?

(Moral of the story...if anyone ever approaches your business with a great idea to sponsor a cheesy book for people who have just lost a family member, say no thank you and walk away.)

Okay, enough raving about that stupid gift. I really am so incredibly thankful for everyone who continues to pray, encourage, and financially support me. You really are the people who help me get through the difficult days. Thank you one and all!

Photo Scavenger Hunt

As part of our staff training, we did a photo scavenger hunt tonight. Here are a few pictures of our team.

I can't believe we all fit in here

Were's Waldo...Can you find us?

Scene from a movie...Cool Runnings

Crossvile Date Idea...A Night At the Revival

A Crossville Landmark

Entertainers

This week, fun, new people arrived to entertain Abigail. I'm sure it's much more fun than her boring, old Mommy.

(Reading the Three Little Pigs with Grandpa)

(Shea & Tackett give Abigail a rolling office tour)

(Rebecca goes with the funny face approach.)