Make-Up Day

Yesterday I was paying bills and doing all my end of the year bookwork when I realized that Abigail was being too quiet. I thought she was playing in her room, so I decided to check on her only discover she was not there. I found her upstairs in my bathroom. She had gotten into my eye shadow and applied it to her face with my blush brush. She looked at me and said, "I so pretty, Mommy."

Samson's Christmas Letter

Here is our 2009 Christmas Letter.

Samson Dog's Christmas Letter

Choosing Thankfulness?

I hate time changes. It is one thing if you are travelling, but it is something completely different if you are at home and out of the blue your whole schedule changes. All this to say, for the second day in a row, I woke up at 4:30am, and there is no way I can go back to sleep. I finally just gave up and curled up in my chair with a cup of coffee.

I guess some good is coming out of my early morning wake up. I am actually taking some uninterrupted time to read and pray. Unfortunately, that seems like a rarity for me these days. Here's the Bible passage that caught my eye this morning.

Psalm 8 (NIV)

1. How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?


2. How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and every day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?


3. Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;


4. my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.


5. But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.


6. I will sing to the LORD,
   for he has been good to me.

(I'm going to share my personal thoughts on this passage and why I connect with it this morning. However, this is purely devotional and not by any means an exegetical study of this passage)

This is not one of the passages that most people talk about a lot, but somehow it seems to resonate with my heart this morning. Right now, I can relate to David in the first few verses. How long am I going to have to struggle? How long will I feel distant from the Lord? How long will I have to wrestle with my thoughts and deal with the sorrow in my heart?

I don't connect with the next couple of verses as much because I can't really think of any foes that are bothering me, unless you consider a particular sin a foe that is trying to overcome me.

I think the last two verses are why this passage really stood out to me this morning. Despite the fact that David felt far away from God and was wrestling with his thoughts, sorrows and enemies, he chose to trust in God's unfailing love and even came to the point of singing thankfully to the Lord for all of the good things things in his life.

Here are the questions that have been plaguing me this morning. How did David and his writing go from a place of complaining about feeling far away from the Lord and being overcome by enemies to a place of trusting and praising God in just a few verses? Was it just a mental decision? Did he just decide that despite his feelings he was just going to choose to trust God and be thankful for salvation and the good things in his life? Did his perspective, perception of God and feelings change just by choosing to trust God's love and choosing to be thankful?

I am not completely sure our struggle with distance from God and sorrow can completely change just by choosing trust and thankfulness, but I think it warrants some further consideration. This passage has caused me to want to try an experiment over the next few days. Each time I complain (in my heart and mind) about feeling far from God, overcome by sorrow or sorry for myself, I will try to choose to be thankful for the good things God has given me in my life. Maybe it is a bit of a simplistic application of this passage, but I am hoping that choosing to thankfulness and trust will change my current perspective on the nearness of God.

I'll keep you posted on the result.

Confession

Usually I'm not much of a TV watcher, but since Jason died, I've been watching it more often. However a month or two ago, my sister got me hooked on watching Korean TV dramas online. Since, I started watching them, I don't even want to admit how many hours I've wasted in front of the computer. I've fallen behind in my housework. I haven't started any new projects. I rarely leave my house in the evenings. I stay up way too late, way too often. I haven't read a book or wrote a meaningful email in a long time. I think it actually has become an addiction.

The other day I was trying to figure out why I've become addicted, and a sad realization hit me. It is way easier to watch other people living their lives than it is for me to live my own. Right now, my world is pretty small. Since I am fairly new to the community, I don't have very many good friends here. Yes, I know a fair amount of people, but I don't have very many people that I've opened up to and really gotten to know well. It takes so much effort to build new friendships, and I always feel like being a widow, there is an elephant that follows me around and everyone wonders what to say to me...afraid they might upset me or make me sad. It makes for awkward relationships, especially in the initial stages. Aside from not having many friends, I have mostly been working from home lately, so some days I don't even leave my house. I can go three or four days without seeing anyone but my two year old and maybe one of my two co-workers. Needless to say, my life is kind of lonely right now, and not filled with very many relationships of any kind.

Therefore, it is easy to crave the kind of relationships I see in these dramas. People surrounded by family and friends, and while their lives maybe kind of crazy, they are connected to each other and fun things are happening. Every time I finish watching a drama series, I feel a little bit bereft because all of a sudden these people I've spent hours watching are now gone from my life. Their stories are over, and I no longer have a connection to them. However, I still love to watch them, because I know that no matter how tough things look they always have a happy ending in the dramas. Couples fall in love and tough stuff usually comes to a resolution.

So where does that leave me....I'm feeling convicted about living my life vicariously instead authentically engaging other people. However, I'm also feeling, tired, lonely and not quite ready to put forth the effort to start pouring into people because I know it will be hard. It is far easier to watch other people struggle through the ups and downs of relationships than to struggle through them myself. Although, right now I feel like I am wasting my time and my life away. Whereas, if I was actually pouring into real people, I know I wouldn't feel that way at all.

For the most part, whenever I have a realization like this, I am tempted just to beat myself up for my mistakes and continue on in the same direction. I know if Jason were here, he would tell me, "That's great lesson, Honey, but what are you going to do about it?"

Here are my resolutions:
1. Invite someone new over to my house for dinner, or make a plan to meet someone for coffee or dinner
2. Call at least three friends I haven't talked to in a while.
3. Call my counselor tomorrow and make an schedule an appointment that I've been putting off for two months.
4. Limit my TV/drama intake to only the time I'm working out on my treadmill.
5. Plan some sort of outing or event this weekend.
6. Read at least one book in the next two weeks.

Okay, so my list isn't earth shattering, but hopefully it will get me moving in the direction of breaking my addiction and starting/continuing real relationships. If you are reading this, perhaps you can help keep my accountable.

Abigail's Birthday

I'm only about a month late with this, but for those of you not on Facebook, here is a little video we made on the day my baby girl turned two.

Writer's Block

I haven't written any blog posts for about six months. While I'm not much of a writer, I still have been suffering from writer's block. At first, I just blamed it on being busy, but the longer I didn't write the harder it became for me to sit down and write. After taking time off, it is kind of intimidating to start blogging again. So much has happened in the last six months, but I don't even know where to start.

Not only have I've been suffering from writer's block on my blog, I kind of feel like it is plaguing my entire life. I've found myself ignoring emails, avoiding writing prayer/support letters, struggling to find words to write on projects for work, and avoiding facebook chats and long messages. I'm not even journaling.

In addition to avoiding written words, I have also been avoiding verbal communication. For the most part, I've barely called anyone on the telephone. I've been blaming it on the spotty cell phone reception at my house and the fact that no one really calls me unless I call them first, but truthfully I think I'm just avoiding connecting with people. When I do talk to people, I keep it pretty light and short. Since I'm still relatively new to the community, I haven't developed many deep local friendships, so I don't even have that many face to face conversations. Sometimes the only people I talk to all day long are Abigail, and maybe one of my two co-workers.

Overall, there is has been a lack of words in my life the last couple of months. It is starting to wear on me a little bit, and I'm feeling lonely. I know I'm the only one to blame, since I haven't made an effort. So this is blog post is an attempt to break the silence and perhaps combat the plague of writer's block.

I kind of feel silly even posting this, but perhaps putting something out there it better than continuing in silence. Besides I doubt anyone even reads my blog anymore due to my silence.

Recent Pictures

I've haven't posted any pictures in a while, so here are a few.

Recent Craftiness

Recently, I've been a bit more crafty than normal. A few weeks ago, I made a wall hanging for Abigail's room. I got the idea from a kids decor magazine. I think it turned out pretty cute, and it wasn't too difficult.
When I was in Denver last week, I decided to make some curtains for Abigail's room. My Aunt Carolyn helped out with the sewing. I think they turned out cuter than anything I could find in the stores. Thanks Carolyn.

Abigailisms

At 17 months, Abigail is getting into everything and becoming more of a character every day. Recently, she had been cracking me up. Here are a few examples:

• This morning, I was getting Abigail ready to go to MOPS. As I was holding her and pulling a cute little sweater out of the closet for her to wear, she looked at me and said, "No, no, Mommy." Then she pulled a little denim dress out of the closet and said, "Please." Of course I gave in an let her wear the dress. Watch out world...my 17 month old wants to dress herself. I'm in trouble!
  


• Lately, Abigail has really been into putting things on her head. If she finds a washcloth, the first thing does is put it on her head and parade around the house like she is wearing the most beautiful hat. Not only is she putting washcloths on her head, she's been digging through my dirty laundry pile and putting clothes over her head so they cover her eyes. Then she is toddling around the room at full speed until she trips over or bumps into something and falls down. She will squeal with delight and just do it over and over. I definitely think I have a thrill seeker on my hands.



• The last couple of nights, Abigail has had a cough. I've been letting her sleep with me, so I can keep an eye on her. Twice I've caught her talking in her sleep. Guess was she says....She says, "please" over and over again.



• Last week I found the TV remote on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. I know I didn't put it there.



• Her new phrase is "Okie dokie."



• I had a meeting at a coffee shop last week. Abigail was getting bored, so I let her play with her diaper bag. She pulled out her diaper ointment called "Butt Paste" and gave it to guy that I've never met before a the next table.

Ah...my little love keeps me on my toes and with a smile on my face.

My Favorite Valentines' Day

Jason was one of the sweetest, most thoughtful and creative guys in the world. He always came up with fun creative ways to surprise and pamper me. This morning, I was thinking about my favorite Valentines' Day.

The year we were dating, Jason invited me to his apartment after work. I really had no idea what to expect because when Jason had asked me what I wanted to do for Valentines' Day, I'd told him that I wanted to go see Fiddler on the Roof at the local playhouse. He said he thought that would be fun, but he didn't have a lot of money because he had recently had some major car repairs (aka...he was saving for an engagement ring).

When I arrived at his apartment I discovered a vase with a rose surrounded by candles on the front porch. Next to the vase sat a card. Inside the card was a poem that Jason had written for me about how hearts change when a boy meets a girl. At the end of the poem there was a note telling to me knock once and then enter.

When I open the door, I discovered Jason sitting on top of the kitchen cabinets and the wall between the living room and the kitchen. Wearing overalls and a crazy hat with a wig, he was trying to play Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star on our friend's kid's violin. It was absolutely ridiculous! He told me he was my "Fiddler on the Cabinets!"

After I finished laughing at him, he climbed down and we watched the Fiddler on the Roof movie he'd rented. Very creative and fun! Way more memorable than going to the real show.

Abigail Says Hi!

New Contact Info

One of the hardest parts about moving is changing all my contact info. I don't want friends and family to lose track of me, especially since I ended up changing the cell phone number I had for 7 years. I just wanted to let everyone who reads this blog know that my phone numbers and address have changed. I would be happy to give you my new info, but I don't feel comfortable just posting it here. If you would like my new info, just shoot me an email. I'm also working on an update letter with pictures and the scoop on my new job, so let me know if you would like to be added to my prayer and newsletter list.

25 Random Things About Me

I typed up this list for facebook, but I thought I would put it on here too for those of you who have not succumbed to the time wasting world of facebook.

1. I got a driver’s license, license plates, bank accounts, a new chiropractor, a new phone number and internet service today.
2. I like to think I’m a world traveler, but I hate to live out of boxes and suitcases. If I’m going to stay somewhere more than a few nights, I like to put my stuff in a closet or dresser.
3. I’m a sucker for cheesy Christmas movies. I try to watch one at least once a month, and during the month of December, they are pretty much all I watch.
4. Since I’m in the process of moving and painting, my whole house is a mess. There are not a lot of places for Abigail to play, so the other day I let her play in my bedroom. She managed to find my feminine products and throw them all over the room.
5. I love, love, love a candle-light bubble bath and a good book.
6. My dog has been sprayed by skunks at least four times in the last several months…including today.
7. I bought a Jeep in Nov, and I have already put 9,000 miles on it.
8. I love maps and directions. If I have been somewhere once, I can almost always find my way back.
9. I’m slightly jealous of my stay-at-mom friends.
10. I’m an extroverted introvert, and I hate having to make small talk.
11. I have cried more in the last year than the rest of my life combined (minus the baby years).
12. I never wear red, but I love painting at least one room in my house red.
13. One of my favorite things is listening to rain on a tin roof.
14. It takes me a long time to let my guard down and truly let people know I’m struggling. Perhaps that is why I find it easier to tell people personal things via my blog than in person.
15. I hate to be weak, needy or inconvenience anyone.
16. I got my first snowboard by winning a boxing match.
17. I think I’m addicted to coffee.
18. I hate cheesy Christian movies, lingo, signs, t-shirts and bumper stickers.
19. I didn’t really think I was a baby person, but I loved the entire process (minus the morning sickness) and I wish I could have more.
20. My favorite part of my day is walking in the door and hearing Abigail squeal and come toddling over to me.
21. I miss my sister Dawn more than I ever let on.
22. When I am really stressed out, I tend to procrastinate.
23. Lately I have been learning about hope…It is difficult concept to wrap my mind around. (Now these three things remain…Faith, Hope, and Love) After the hurt and disappointments of the last year, how do I live in a state of hope???
24. I am one of the world’s biggest klutzes. It is rare that I go and entire day, without spilling something on myself.
25. I wish I had a time machine.

Endings and Beginnings

Today was my last day working for CP. It wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be. On some level it seems like a normal day. The reality that I'm not working at CP full time, hasn't sunk in yet. I don't think the reality will set in for a while.

At the moment, I am excited about my next adventure and my mind is processing all of the details of the moving process. (How am I going to have all of my possessions packed in boxes and ready for the moving truck by Sat morning?) I haven't given myself much time to really process what is happening. I think I am kind of stuffing my heart and emotions, so that I can function.

Jenna has been a God-send to me. She has been living with me since Sept and taking care of Abigail. I know it must have been difficult for her, as I am still internally struggling, and I am not too much fun at home. After Abigail goes to bed, I pretty much retreat to my room or sit in front of a movie. Despite my lack of communication and hospitality, she has been a real gem. She often cooks, cleans, and does my laundry without being asked on top of caring for Abigail. In fact, while I was in Colorado interviewing, she packed up most of my house. Truthfully, I only packed one room and she did almost everything else. What an amazing and thoughtful young woman! I don't know how I would have survived these last several months without her. I'm definitely going to miss her when I move to CO.

While I am still excited about the move, the reality of leaving this house is beginning to set in. As rooms begin to feel empty, memories surface. Tonight I was just remembering the day Jason and I spent in the 18 inch crawl space under the house jacking up portions of the foundation and mixing and pouring concrete. Boy that was a doosie of a day. If I haven't told you the story, you should ask me sometime. I'll give you a hint...the day ended by Jason telling me that I looked like I just got vomited out of the belly of a whale.

I remember the time he screamed at me because I almost got his finger with a nail gun. The day we managed to heft a 500 pound wood and steal beam into the ceiling of the kitchen was also quite memorable. Just thinking about hanging siding on a 20 degree night using out headlamps to see what we were doing still makes me shiver. I also think of the time when Jason was throwing junk out of a hole in second story of our house, and I was neatly stacking it in the dumpster so we could save space and spend less money on dump runs. I rejoice in the fact that the two months we didn't have running water and had to use a port-a-potty in the front yard are now a distant memory.

There are so many memories in this house that we gutted and almost entirely rebuilt. The stories are endless. It is going to be so hard to leave this place.

Not only do we have stories about remodeling, we have endless stories from our days working at CP. Stories that make me laugh and cry. I can't even begin to recount our adventures and the ways we've seen God work through this ministry. I know in the end I am going to miss CP far more than this house of wood and stone.

Keep me in your prayers this weekend as I close the CP and the house on Warpath Drive chapters of my life.

A New Year, New Job, New Home, New State

Sorry I haven't written a post in a while. I've been hesitant to blog until everything is official. So now that it is official....This week, I accepted a job at Cross Bar X Youth Ranch in Durango, CO. I will be their Office Administrator, and I couldn't be more excited!

God has really worked out the timing of the whole move, so I will be moving directly from my house in TN to my new house at the camp in Durango. However, the time table is a bit crazy. I just got home from my interview yesterday (Wed) and my moving truck is coming on Saturday (two days from now). Today (Thurs) is my last day working at CP, and I am planning to leave for CO on Sunday afternoon or Monday. As you can imagine, thing are a bit crazy busy around here.

I'm excited to tell you about the new ministry that I will be joining, but due to all the details surrounding packing and moving, I don't have the time at the moment. As soon as I get settled, I'll try to write a more detailed update.

In the meantime, here are a few pictures.

Colorado Girls

Fun in the snow

Our new home

The view from my bedroom window